Plain and simple. This has been painful and exhausting. Although it hasn’t been all bad, it has been very, very painful and exhausting. Many times after the incident detailed in the previous post, I just want to scream out something equivalent to “f*** you”. That’s my primal instincts. But I don’t. I make excuses (valid ones) to make up for the f***ed-up-ness of it all, to make it sound not so bad. This will be easier for me and for the rest of the involved to handle.
But above all, I really wonder. How can someone do all these to someone else with all that s/he is aware of? I know it’s complicated and hard to do otherwise. But I’m nevertheless, very upset about what has happened. And the fact that I must not (and I do not want to) jeopardise what that remains. That means that I won’t have the time and space to indulge in true bitterness and must forgive and accept every single shocking thing that I’ve uncovered in the short space of time. This can be a good thing— to not fall into bitterness. But it is not easy and definitely not pleasurable.