While lightly adjusting my laptop on my spare, small table early this evening, my mirror tipped off the table and towards the ground, neatly divided into pieces, resting on the floor. I swooped down, intending to pick it up. It was one of those moments when you didn’t expect that something would be broken. I know that you know what I mean by that. It has got to do with the trigger behind the fall, the way it fell, the object, what you perceive of the object etc. You can never explain clearly and exactly why you think the object wouldn’t be smashed but you just know it. Your intuition.
I was rather astonished. When I reached my hand down to pick it up, the sensation suggested that my mirror is now not whole. I was in mild disbelief and total resignation at the same time. A few seconds later, it was washed off from my mind completely. The mirror means quite a lot to me, in a sense that I’m very attached to it in my ‘life’— my daily routines. I was then, a few moments later, slightly surprised at how I can suddenly wash the mirror away from my life entirely, not batting an eyelid.
It may seem rather trivial to you but metaphorically similar and gradually more important events have occurred and my reactions replicated. For a long time, I have been crazy about keeping really long hair— Joanna-Newsomesque long hair. Slightly more than a week ago, I went to the hairdresser’s to layer my hair and cut it in a V-shape. It ended up too thin and the V was too steep although the longest part of my hair remained the same length as before. But it didn’t look good (but it is still long). The next morning, I just gathered my hair towards the back, had 2 mirrors set up at an angle so I can look at my back, took a pair of scissors, intending to get rid of the V-shape, used my fist as a ‘ruler’ and snipped all my hair off.
I have a very high confidence in my spatial cognition, tending towards ‘blind’ though not really. It’s more of a pragmatic blindness— because I have to do it. Waist-length hair —> Shoulder-length hair. But it turned out great— and many said that it was better than my hair in the past. But I was, momentarily, slightly troubled. To be so obsessed with having long hair and overnight, being totally alright, with no reservations, about having short hair and in fact, really loving it. And to commit the act with my own hands. There’s some cold-bloodedness in this.
But I must admit— there’s something slightly deliberate about my reactions. They come from someone who has practised them (reactions) for too long— so much so that they seem entirely spontaneous and natural. So natural that sometimes, they momentarily fool me into thinking as such. And the only way to have so much practice is to be dealt with such situations over and over. Do you know, do you see the calluses?
I’m not strong, I’m not insensitive to pain. I’ve just been through too much. But I haven’t gotten used to them.
Thankfully. That is death.
Later this evening, not many moments back, I saw something. I snoop around too much. I saw things occasionally. I thought they were pretty important.
But tonight. A continent is swallowed.
I was searching for something all these months. I thought it would be found at Pluto. I set off. Quite an expedition. Tonight, I am informed that the answer lies right here on Earth. (I denied the obvious.)
Remember my cold-bloodedness? I halted my expedition immediately— it was, to be frank, already stalling, I wasn’t really intending to progress anyway. I just wanted to wait and judge which direction to take. Apparently, it arrived tonight. I just realised. I gathered myself up and hurtled down immediately back onto Earth.
Something that I put so much effort in, even up till the final moments. Once, my heart and soul, though thankfully not for long, I knew better— even at that time. And suddenly, I am able to just turn back and walk away, totally fine, with no reservations nor pretensions. And no nonchalance as well. I am impressed— rather sardonically.
But unlike broken mirrors and hair-remnants, I can’t sweep this away with that much prompt and ease. The real thing comes with the actions after this.
And I have a lot to think about. But I thank you for the needless trip to Pluto. And the trip back to Earth. For I learned tons. And I never knew that I could carry such weights. Until now.