It is sad how things change. But if I can’t help it, I just can’t and I have to leave it be. It is sad in a way that it didn’t turn out in the way that I may have wanted it to be but I know that it couldn’t have turned out any other way. So, this que sera sera element in this makes it matter-of-fact. Just something that occurred in my life.
Which is why I’m glad that I’ve been doing what I think is best and I’ve been constantly seeking ways to better myself and the situation. If it still does not work out, I can’t be faulted.
Ideals destroyed constantly. But I did not emerge hard, cold and bitter. To the contrary. I feel like I’m finally living as a human being. I’ve learnt to live, care, love, feel, fight, abandon, commit, withdraw, submit, wait, consider, accept, reject, stand up for things, give in to things, grow a spine, hold my own, open my heart and mind, open myself to others, live for myself, really respect and express myself as a person yet offering myself to everything and everyone and not holding back. This is exuberance. I found the Source within me and found the Core that I can always go back to and renew myself as a person. This sounds very crappy new-ageish but no, I’ve not been reading books like that and I find that those words express the situation aptly.
I found out that vulnerability is the greatest source of strength. Expose yourself, make yourself vulnerable. If you can achieve strength under such vulnerability, there’s nothing much you can’t do afterward. When you’ve got nothing you can hide, you’ll make sure that everything that is a part of you is worthy to be a part of you. This is the greatest growth I’ve ever had.
(Feeling sleepy now, again. I will edit this and continue, perhaps.)