Disclaimer (for all entries): Entry is true only at the moment of writing.
Wow, it’s been so long since the exams ended. This realisation made me feel like I’ve just emerged from a coma. It’s supposed to be the ‘holidays’ all these while but I find it somewhat of a chore. I think it’s because of a lack of direction. I can’t believe it’s be 5 MONTHS. Where did all my chickens go?
And somehow, I feel like I’ll be going for Real holiday when I go away to study (assuming that things don’t take a turn). For now, I find that a release. I can’t easily grasp why. Maybe I don’t really want to know. I think the whole new barrage of things to occupy my mind with will take the others off my mind for a while or lighten the load. Extremely twisted situation here.
But I’m doing well, at least better. I earned it. It was pain like the other times but yeah it was rewarding. I’m definitely a better person now. I shan’t elaborate on this for today. The ironic thing is that no matter what happens, you are supposed to be your own person, be an individual. And ironically, that is supposed to be easier. Less effort, supposedly. But I didn’t find it so. But well, I’m coming to terms with how the world works. I’m glad and a little surprised at how I genuinely don’t feel disappointed.
3 more months, I think. A little less than that. I’ve got to drain this little island for what it’s worth before I stop living normally here. But I was never fond of this place. Only a few places, perhaps a few social trends and quirks, a few people. I’m going to be honest with myself, finally. I can’t stay in this place. I shall elaborate on it more someday. I just can’t grow as a person here.
First, I can’t stay just for those few things. It’s not about the magnitude of their worth, whether they are able to hold me back or not. It’s about how unhealthy that is. It is a very exhausting affair. Living your life for a few things. Do you know how huge that responsibility is? And judging by everything in here nowadays, no, I don’t think those few things can take on the unspoken responsibility. And I don’t impose.
Then how do I know going away will help? It’s a new place. I can Truly start anew in many ways. And my mbti change is saying something too. I’ll be going as an ENTP. It’ll be amazing. I can’t wait to see what I’ll be as a person there. And from what I’ve read, heard, seen, thought of the place, it’s awesome. There will be bad things of course, but even the bad things are new.
It’s really too stale here. Sometimes I can’t breathe. I’m forced to keep my movements small, or at least smaller than who I really am. I want to really Live. I am starting to Live but there’s a limit as to how much I can go over here. The circumstances need to aid me in my endeavours this time. I’m not small, alright. Some people just got used to me being this way or another. It’s draining. I don’t know why I still make an effort to play up a little. I’m not going to, anymore. Especially when I don’t even have a good reason too. Treated like I’m disposable, be called and dismissed instantaneously at will.