Things are tangled beyond untangle-ment now. So intricately and closely entangled that it looks like it’s whole. Picture carpet knitting. Mess the patterns up, knit randomly but knit all the same. You get a picture of my situation. But you still get your carpet, it looks like a carpet, it serves as a carpet. You can’t go back to figure out and undo the tangled pieces. Or rather, you don’t want to. It is indeed too much work. But what’s more important is that to untangle, you have to go back to the pieces you weaved in the past and relive them. It may be painful. And the time and effort spent untangling is no child’s play. Sometimes, you stumble upon a piece you just can’t untangle. You may say, but all knots can be undone! Yes, in principle. But how long can you take? How much time, how much effort can you afford to throw onto the knot? And sometimes, it’s not a matter of you ‘affording’. Sometimes, time just runs out.

I’ve been trying to untangle but new tangles crop up at a much faster rate than I am able to undo them. I’m so tired. And because of all these, I’ve pretty much stopped untangling. I’m just sitting on my carpet. This is against my principles. I’ll never let myself be helpless. And I didn’t. But I went a step further and denied the entire thing. I blind-folded myself. But that doesn’t make the entire issue disappear. But that’s what I think I want. I think I want to throw away the old carpet, but before that, collect some precious strands from there, cut up the rest in the process of getting to those strands, if need be, and weave a new goddamned carpet.

But I don’t know when the old can end, I don’t know when and how the old can continue on to the new, I don’t know how the new will be, I don’t know how long the old can go on. How do I weave my new carpet? How do I know what to destroy for my old carpet? How will I know what to keep? How will I know if what I decide to keep will blend in well with the new which is yet unknown or at least not destroy the harmony of the new?

T_T 😥 Sighhh. Too many things, all happening at the same time.

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