It is times like this when I don’t know if I’m behaving ridiculously, or purely thinking ridiculously but appearing fine to parties outside my head or I’m thinking and acting appropriately but am just too paranoid and anxious or if this entire reaction is natural, normal and appropriate.

One thing I don’t want to do is to have certain expectations. Because they often make me upset. And I’ll be spun into the above dilemma. Am I ridiculous to hold those expectations … etc.? If I don’t— sure, I’ll be less upset but would that be an inappropriate act?

I feel like I’m trying to look through an opaque wall. And I watched this National Geographic clip on how spending a long time in the dark (with eyes open, trying to see) creates a hallucinatory effect. In context, this was attributed as  the source behind some cave paintings with some unique, recurring patterns. So alright, in the same way, with my vision disabled, I’ve only my imagination to guide me. Not a good guide. They’ve been traditionally said to always ‘run wild’.

But alas, this is not an answer. Whether I’m ridiculous or not? My imagination may be running wild when I ask this but still, it is a question.

Maybe I should just shut my eyes and not try to see whem I can’t see in the first place. And go to sleep. This sounds like avoidance to me though. But until something better comes along.

Ciao ~

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