I think my long-running depression has totally dissipated for good! 6 years! I don’t know if dissipated is the right word to use but yes, you know!!! And how do I know? I didn’t ‘speak’ in hushed tones (I always read out loud in my head when I type) when I wrote the first sentence. Not taboo anymore. And I’m quite certain it wouldn’t come back, maybe unless something Really out of the blue happens. I can’t be Too sure. I’m only saying it today because it just occurred to me that I’m sure!! It has been happening for a while now, thinking back but it didn’t occur to me to write it.
How did it go away? I am not too sure yet and will not try to pin it down on any reason. After all, if you pin it down on something, what will happen when that thing is gone? It’s funny because I ran some ‘tests’ and felt that no, I will still not be depressed when that something is gone. My mental state is robust. Well, I will talk about it when I’m sure! (Just for the sake of documenting things here.)
But it’s amazing, you know. Things aren’t going That good. It’s not the specific state of things that caused this. I think I have totally come to terms with myself, reconciled certain things, understood certain things, accepted, rejected, drew lines, erased lines, come to terms with uncertainty, paid attention to some things, ignored some things, know what to stand for, know what to dissociate from, know where to derive certain things from, know where to stop expecting to derive certain things from, when to take something seriously and when to take it lightly etc. etc. I am not exactly sure how all these came about. And this isn’t exhaustive and isn’t all mentally induced, I’m sure. For example, I’ve also been consuming Vitamin Bs which should have an effect. And also, umm, it may very well be because I’ve got nothing much on at this time. I’m really free. Even when I’m going to work, it’s leisurely. Though I would like to rebut my rebuttal but we’ll just leave it.
When something ‘bad’ happens, like the day with the string of seriously unfortunate events (didn’t document here), I do feel really bad, really frustrated, annoyed etc. But it’s just different. I don’t feel ‘depressed’. I just have this ‘natural’ mentality (not by will or choice, it just happened) that everyday is a new day and everything will be fine and even if it’s not, so what? No one’s judging in the end, only me. I set the standards and I’ll do what I do and I set the stage and I draw the curtains. I’m totally rambling without much thought but yeah!!! I don’t really need to.
And it’s funny, I look forward to every new day, I look forward to the next hour, I look forward to sleeping, to waking up, to eating my erratic meals, to meeting with my friends, to spending time with myself a.k.a wasting time walking around the house or browsing random things online, to awkward moments, to amazing times, to just about everything. Just come along. I just want to take everything on. I don’t know why. It’s just this … zest?? I can’t believe it. O_O This day would come??
We can also tell from the lack of ‘art’ in my life. I’m not taking photographs, not writing anything decent, not Trying to draw/paint (capital T because I know I’m not good at it but I did that at one point in time), not looking through works by others and trying to derive any ‘meaning’ or something from them.
Etc. etc. etc. I shall stop since I’m truly rambling. And it isn’t going anywhere.
WOOHOOOOOO. Going to finish some applications and sleep 😀
This is crazy hahaha.