Should just stop dreaming. Lol. Be a normal person. Be a normal person. Funny because— even when circumstances require me to be something different.
And not get upset over the failure to peel an apple perfectly (allusion to a post that is made private).
Anyway or other, this is extremely great mental exercise. If it dies, I’ll emerge out a better person, as I’ve said a gazillion times before. So I’m just gonna chill. Either way, I’ll be fine.
Also, there is never 1 correct answer. Heck, I can also carve the same puzzle piece from the drawing board (like I can, yeah). Also, if I make a mistake now, it doesn’t mean I can never be correct ever again. Even if I’m correct and am marked wrong, I’ll leave it by the roadside and walk on. I’ll be right again, and again, I’ll be marked right eventually. And that right will be more righteous than all other could-have-been rights.
I’m bull-shitting if it’s not obvious. Draining the metaphor for what it’s worth. But there’s still truth in it.
Never to walk too fast, even if it is my normal speed, the speed at which I’m comfortable in. I’ll not be comfortable anymore when I’m too far ahead. I get lost instead of winning. (Another great spin-off metaphor. I should consider making this my trade or something.) Another bull-shitting moment— it doesn’t even relate to me. It just sounds good.
Okay, in sum: I just don’t know what’s going on. But it’ll be fine because it must be! How can anything related to me not be fine?? It’s this blind optimism because I can’t afford to be pessimistic. I can’t lose points!
Add on #1: Since when are so many things happening out of my control? Not specifically anguished about the lack of control. I’m not a control freak. But control has always been rather easily accorded to me. This just makes me very, very puzzled.
And since when did I start thinking so much before I act? I’m quite sick of this. I don’t play games and I don’t do drama. It is my utmost wish that this doesn’t turn out to be either or both of them. But something happened just now that made it seem like I’m doing either or both of them. I’m totally innocent but the circumstances that occurred before that seemed to fit perfectly— that I am instigating it slightly. It’s … yuck. And it’s out of my control. All I could do was to write a passive-aggressive disclaimer on the e-public a.k.a social networking site.
Bye internet. I’m going to do a mass cleanup of my room. All is well, all is going to be well, all will be well.
Add on #2: Fuck the internet. Or more appropriately, the social portions of it. Living extended lives online. As if real life is not enough for one to handle. I’ve had enough. But hey, I don’t think there’s any way I can get out of this completely. #anguish #anguish
Add on #3: Some people have got NO idea what ‘obligation’/’duty’ means. It’s the same group of people who suck at role-playing. Here I am trying to be considerate and play up nicely. And …?
Interjection: So here’s a part of my life where I can tell no one what I’m going through. I’m currently making a commentary on something that’s happening right now. My head is bursting.
What’s happening is I’m getting tugged by another force. So my current position is where I’m kind of stagnant over here, trying to pull that thing but trying not to be too pushy. I don’t know what the hell is going on. And then, this other thing came along, although I don’t really Like it, it’s still a force. It’s alive. Dear stagnant thing, what am I going to do? You know what, I’m going along with it tomorrow.
I want to say: don’t blame me if I get pulled away— either by that thing (won’t happen actually) or by my own will but I can’t as yet. But you’re goddammned irritating. But + 20 to life experience. The more annoying you are, the more points you add to my life experience. It doesn’t take much, you know. IT DOESN’T TAKE MUCH. And that new force showed me how and why. It takes so little.
Add on #4: It’s hilarious. Because just a Small change can cause a seismic change in my opinions. So what now???????
I think I’ll just stop thinking about it. I’ll NEVER get the full picture. Ciao.
Add on #5: I think the main reason why I’m like that is— it’s as if I’m not important. At all. Not near the socially expected level of importance at all. And my level of tolerance is lower than that level. And it’s not met. If you know me, you’ll know I NEVER say such things. If I’m not important to someone, if I don’t feel appreciated at least to a minimum extent, I leave, if I’m not obliged to stay for any overriding reasons. I know where I belong. If I don’t belong, I back off. I don’t waste my time. But now? What is happening? I’m not happy about this, alright. I’ll give it a little more time and I’ll slaughter it if needed. I shouldn’t have been blinded in the first place.
Add on #6: Yeah I know I sound like a psycho. I don’t care.
I’ve decided that I’VE HAD ENOUGH. I’m not going to cut it slack anymore. It’s enough. I’M DONE WITH IT. Not going to do anything on my side already. ALREADY. BYE. Unless significant action happens on the other. I’ve decided that this is not natural anymore. I’m not psycho in this sense. I gave it ample time etc. It’s sealed.
Add on #7: It’s sad that nothing as yet is turning out quite right. It’s been years and years of shit and now I’m getting a different version of … shit. It’s like there will always be the disease of the decade. It’s fine. I can find appreciation elsewhere. It’ll be even easier. I don’t have to hunt it here. I don’t even need it, honestly speaking. Going to break free.