I think I’m going to start another blog somewhere in cyberspace and outsource all the negative whinings from this blog and I’m going to write more freely and specifically. (Okay edit: I’m not going to do so already.) That said, I’m going to expand my threshold for uncertainty. I won’t mind the consequences of doing so (sure, there are disadvantages) because this is the right and perhaps, one of the only few things left that I can do. And this is one of the very few things that I still recognise that I can do. So I’m just going to do them one at a time when I come to know what they are.
Things are finally starting to flood in. Time will start to run out, it is already catching up on my heels. I’m going to be amazingly busy. To be busy is not only about having a lot of things to do. It is also about the importance of the things that you’re doing. I’m going to be treading on nichrome wires. They’re thin and they get hot easily. When they start to scald, you’ll fall off.
I think (yeah, still thinking?) that the effectiveness of thinking about it has reached its saturation point. Any more, it’ll be downhill, it’ll poison me. I’m through with it, okay?? I’m not going to look for signs to tell how this will end up. It wouldn’t aid in determining the ongoing results and it makes me feel so freaking bad.
But one thing I really, really don’t want to do is to become nihilistic in that sense again. I DON’T WANT TO BE CYNICAL ABOUT BEING CYNICAL ABOUT CYNICISM. I don’t want to hope, I don’t want to expect. But I really wish to. I really wish to be allowed the chance to do so. So if I’m allowed to hope, I hope that I won’t end up being cynical about being cynical about cynicism.
As much as I’m in some phantom pain now, I think it’s more tragic to fall back again into the nihilistic hole where I’m safe, equalised but lifeless. Please let me know that it is more tragic to be that way.
But you know, if it doesn’t work out and it won’t work out then it is not going to work out. If that’s the case, okay, I’ll shut my book and close the case. I’ll read a new one. Only time will tell if the case should be closed. Can’t be certain now so I’m going to live with the uncertainty.
Also, please reveal to me that it is not O-K to abandon what’s so dear to you and settle for a life of foregone could-have-beens. I am capable of settling for the latter and am able to convince myself that it is the right way to go. But I don’t want to. It is tragic. I fear the day that I’m made to do that. I can picture Kate Walsh in Grey’s Anatomy Season 3 in the bar, drinking with Miranda after the divorce with Demsey: “I’m not a bad person right?”
Kate, you’re definitely not. I was in quite a horror when she asked that question. Kate is stupendously legit. It shows that there are some things concerning a small part of your life that consumes your entire being. Let’s look at Kate’s relationship. What does the relationship with Demsey say about her? Her aptitude as a conversationalist with someone like Dempsey, her ability to sleep with someone like Dempsey, her ability to live under one roof with someone like Dempsey etc. It is all about someone specific. (But of course, it’s someone important.) And it doesn’t involve her kickass job … She does her job so well, she has such an amazing sense of humour, she’s really attractive and is someone who would age well. Looking at the way she handles Meredith, the interns, her colleagues, the patients, this woman has The character. I really like her.
But look, look at what the Dempsey saga caused. It only supposedly concerns a minute portion of her life but look at how it affects her entire psychology, her perception of herself outside of the realms of what the relationship with Demsey would say about her. It’s like failing to slice an apple beautifully and feeling like you fail at everything in life afterward. Even when you’re critically acclaimed, drive skillfully, make sunny-side-ups beautifully, invented a new equation that finally merges chemistry and physics seamlessly.
Are we all not immune? This is clearly irrational. But I know, yeah, is reason sovereign in the first place? That aside though. Yeah, this will not consume me, not negatively.