I am what will happen to you when you try to live under multiple personalities at the same time, when you have to be a different person to different groups of people. There’s something you haven’t revealed about yourself to each of them. Each of them knows something the others don’t. So you have to keep them apart from one another. The process of doing so is awfully exhausting. Mentally. And there are often cracks.
My mind isn’t really functioning now, not really thinking so this post will lack as much breadth and depth as I would like. Not too long ago, I was very much at peace with everyone around me. I was almost like just 1 person. I’m that 1 person to everyone. This however, wasn’t also the case in the further past— I was also just as smashed up in pieces. Though now, the issues are blown up. (And I handle things better.)
Lots of major decisions to make. Lots that you are tempted to think ahead of. But you can never truly get the whole picture. And que sera sera, whatever will be, will be, the future’s not ours to see, que sera sera. But really, I don’t believe in leaving so much of what’s going to happen to just ‘destiny’ or external interferences. My mind really isn’t functioning. The critical thinking part is literally locked shut at this moment. I feel tongue-tied. I’ll just carry on and see how it goes though.
The problem now, is that you’re making a decision that concerns all the different groups of people. The final decision will differ if you were to only consider what you’ve revealed to that one group of people. So when you discuss about the decision-making bit with them, inconsistencies about your decision will crop up. Why would you do it this way? The reason would be because of something you haven’t told the person about. But you can’t tell. So you have to lie.
And lie, lie, lie. I’ve been doing too much of this nowadays. I’ve been trying to make it all settle, interference is already dealt. What I can only do is to wait, throw time at it all and wait for everything to settle. When it all settles, I can then tell everyone everything and merge myself once more.
But I’ve never felt so grounded on Earth before. Those messy strings tying me up but holding me down. It’s just like what I read in The Unbearable Lightness of Being. Light: you’re free but you risk drifting away into insignificance. Weight: you’re tied down but the weightiness of it all makes it more significant.
I’ll end this post for now. Settle faster, please.