I admire how I handle things nowadays. It’s something the ‘me’ in the past would have killed for :P. Though frankly speaking, it’s quite tragic and pathetic.

It occurred just a moment ago. (For that specific case) I stopped doing what my heart wanted me to do. Because doing so would hurt my head and poison my gut, which will in turn lead to my heart kicking itself in the ass. So … it’s good. I already knew the outcome, so I didn’t bend over backwards to re-test it again. Though my heart still thinks that there is a possibility that it’ll be different.

But the thing is, no matter what the outcome is, the result of the bigger issue will probably be the same. This is my head talking. But if the outcome is a negative, it’ll lead to a loss of morale. Even though my head will probably hold its ground, it’ll be attacked and the defenses will be weakened. Then my gut will naturally not have a good gut feeling. And this is how I’ll be poisoned. Totally irrational and unrealistic.

I’ve still got the anxiety disorders in me. But the status is tons better. I shall continue with that saga report. Because I have that cocktail of anxiety disorders, I always have Plan B – Z at my fingertips. So ‘even if’ is often in my vocabulary. So, even if the larger issue didn’t turn out ok, it’s fine because I’ve already learned darned a lot and became a phenomenally better person. +10 for life experience and personal development.

I can just erase the bad parts or convert the part where I’m supposed to suffer into more life experience 😛 Sweet. (Being slightly idealistic but well.) This is also quite a pathetic way of looking at things. But hey, I gotta cope right? This is how I do it. Do you have better ways? (A serious question, not a sarcastic/mock-remark.)

It’s good being hyper-sensitive sometimes. You get the biggest of lessons out of the smallest of knocks. Just make sure you aren’t completely knocked out by them. You won’t have to actually go through the tide to learn a lesson. You can just sit by the shore, not get wet at all and learn the same goddamned lesson. You don’t have to be bankrupt to learn.

Que sera sera. I’ll take it as it comes. After all, I’ve done my part and will continue doing so but will accept what I can’t change. In essence:

‎”Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.”
– Reinhold Niebuhr

Though don’t GRANT ME. I’m earning it myself. Also, discovered that this is religious. Doesn’t change how I look at the verses though. I can quote it all the same. But yeah, I don’t need a grant 😛