I’m not the victim, not the prosecutor, not the rescuer. Thank you Harris Harrington from depersonalizationrecovery.com . I’ve decided that I’ve done nothing wrong, nothing wrong is being done unto me and I have no need to solve anything. Of course, this may not be how he has intended for casual readers to use them (because his actual program was not revealed, you need to buy it but I am not doing so as I am still financially dependent— at least credit-card-paypal-dependent and my mom would think I’m crazy for suggesting I have DP).

I think with this, I am able to genuinely que sera sera everything, to change my steps accordingly and immediately to the music which changes all the time, subtly or dramatically. And now I do so not as a victim, not as a prosecutor, not as a rescuer. I do so simply as a reaction to the stimuli. It’s also unlike Lacuna. I’m not forcefully pushing things out. I am just letting them stay without entertaining or pushing them away. Like the idea of meditation, which the Harris guy also recommended.

And this is probably a pathetic though comforting thought: this is a darned good life experience no matter what results from it. I’ve already learnt so much by just not even doing it. It’s really time to get the OCD grip towards everything ‘out of my system’, meaning instead that I won’t entertain it or push it away. I am also not taking reckless things too seriously. If I’m handled recklessly, I’ll respond in the same reckless manner.

You may ask then: isn’t this too destructive? If one is stabbed and the other stabs back, both gets harmed, who wins? I’ll just say that I have an allowance-meter for recklessness. It has quite a generous pocket. Now it’s ringing. I’ll entertain the message. But I’m not doing it as a victim, prosecutor or rescuer. I’m doing what I have to do.

I said last night: “I feel extremely happy to have avoided performing a ritual for an obsession. This got me thinking: do I genuinely want that obsession or is it just enforced onto me by my OCD which is bordering on all-consuming?” Now that the fog has lifted a little, it got me thinking about the question. The great thing about what I did and what I have always done is that I have always put in my best, ensure I have done nothing wrong, no guilty conscience towards anything bad that happens. Yes, the previous times were failures. Because I was operating deluded. But this time is different, I am clear-headed. I can leave knowing that I have done what I need to do and it’s up to the other party to decide what they want to do with this thing.

The onus is on them. Though I’m not prosecuting them. It’s just how it is.

You may say that, well, maybe the other party doesn’t function in the way that you do? So you can’t make decisions based on your principles or ideas etc. But ever since I’ve grown a backbone, let me tell you: I’m not going to contort myself to fit into the worldview of another person just to make something work. I can bend, I can twist slightly and similar to recklessness, I have an allowance meter. Past that, pshoo, you’re gone.

If we function so differently and if I react to something so neurotically, how can this voluntarily-sustained thing work out, especially in the long run? Emphasis on voluntary— it does not need to happen. PLUS, I AM CONTORTING BECAUSE THE OTHER PARTY ISN’T DOING THEIR PART TO BEND AND TWIST. They probably don’t know they’re supposed to bend and twist. If so, we’re so different and this is so unhealthy it’d might as well be stopped. If they know they’re supposed to and they didn’t do so, they’re Jerks. And I don’t want to have anything to do with jerks.

You must also realise that the other party initiated this entire affair. I’m just following up, playing a role, playing my role beautifully, I deserve a medal. Perhaps they feel that this performance isn’t what they had wanted. Yes, I played well but all the more it made them realise that this isn’t what they wanted. They don’t want oranges, they want apples. If so, I hope they realise that they can easily tell me about this. I don’t want to be led on a string, no matter how thin and invisible it is.

My allowance meter for string has not been exceeded yet. Once it has, I’ll snip it off and I’ll leave. Don’t ever come back to me.

I’m sentimental but my sentimentality has a meter.

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