Hello, I’m back here again. Guess why? Yes, I’ve been slightly hit by a small wave of blues again. I only blog when I’m the negative end of the emotional scale. Alright, a lot of posts have disappeared. Because I’ve made them private. Why? Because they have material that’s rather transitory. But so are all the other posts? Yes, but these are better off not being seen by people, especially by some.
I dislike self-censorship really. But I have a more significant fear of the consequences, whether clearly expressed in real life or not, if things like those were seen. They may have already been seen. Whatever, don’t want to think about it. I just have this need to articulate things in semi-public e.g. the blog or other lighter things on Facebook etc. This is where I speak my mind, albeit in an/a abstract/vague way to no one in particular. A private diary will not do because I need to let *someone* know. It needs to be public though not specifically addressed.
Especially after what happened today, I’ll be VERY CAREFUL about writing stuff on these media and not write them based on the assumption that they won’t be seen due to a certain reason or yeah. Gosh … Why …??? Why did the unthinkable happen??!! Okay, I hope that one today wasn’t seen. PLEASE. But maybe I’m overreacting since even if it were, nothing bad at all has happened. I’m still the same considerate, sensitive control freak. And with this rare combination of qualities, it’s no wonder I have been propelled into depression. No but depression is not happening this time.
A while ago when I took down the posts, I started a diary or rather a scribbling pad. I was extremely emotionally charged at that time so it was really diary/scribbling material. When times like those occur, I’ll just start trembling-scribbling the same word or clause over and over again on a piece of paper, interspersed with many curse words when I pause to think of more things to say. Silly me used a notebook that day, thinking it will be used semi-frequently. It hasn’t been since then.
And I’ve decided to save myself from ever having to do that— at least not semi-frequently. I’ve also concluded today that “in sum: I should just chill. All the time, everywhere. That’ll solve all problems and prevent fresh problems from being created.” Yeah, if I chilled and not be too intense, nothing like those would have occurred! And things may arguably have been better. But I’m not worrying about this since this is also something that should be ‘chilled’ about.
Tata, going to try to get some frostbites with hypothermia as a goal. Kidding, I’m going to chill about that goal.