My nonchalance has just thickened by a few degrees. A whole new level. I’m so chill I think I may get hypothermia. I don’t know what I’m really up to and I don’t like what I think I may be up to. I don’t like to pretend because I haven’t been pretending for a long, long, long, long fucking time. And now it seems like I have to. I don’t want to okay? Is it that I have to end up doing this in similar situations if they happen in the future? It’s fcking sad that I have to do this. Sure, I don’t Have to do this. Technically, I can do anything I want. But I’m still as considerate as ever. I don’t want to harm anything. Because I can’t really be harmed now— because I have now decided that I won’t let myself be harmed. I have Lacuna (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) at my service again whenever I fcking need it.
If I can’t be harmed and I harm things indiscriminately, that makes me a monster. I’m not at that stage yet. I don’t know if I’ll ever be. I think it’s really sad that I have to do this. Because at first, I thought I finally broke out of having to do this. For once. But no man, no. This revelation can actually be sadder than anything that I have to Lacuna away. But I’m not indulging in self-pity. I don’t do that nowadays. I want the very opposite. I want my life and I want to laugh my life away. And I’m going to get that. And I’m gradually having that already and nothing will drag that down. I am also not irresponsible so I don’t go around Lacuna-ing everything at a whim. I’m going to do what I can, look at it closely and if it looks like it still deserves the treatment, off I go. I’m not going to hold it back anymore.