I should probably put up a disclaimer about my blog and how I only really blog when feel really, really bad and when micro-blogging can’t absorb all the intensity with a few liners. As such, my blog reads like a blackhole. And probably now with the new background and theme I have over here, the image has become more convincing.
I am really confused about myself right now. I’m torn between growing into a new person and staying status quo, the status quo which I had been most comfortable with for the longer part of my life. The new person would definitely be a more normal person with less dangerous psychological habits that I have. But then again, without those habits, ironically, I think I’ll crumble.
I don’t really know what was happening and what was happening to me and what I was doing to myself. But I think the gist is that I started to inject some human emotions and needs into my freaking mind. Did I think it was playing doll, playing dress-up?? Got tired of my current life so I’ll just flip to a new sheet of canvas and starting doodling on it again? That’s what I always did right. Everything has it’s ‘bads’ and ‘goods’ and no matter how minimal the ‘bads’ are in anything, any amount of ‘bad’ in anything will destroy me. It will in a way that I’ll get tired of it eventually. And I’ll run away to something else.
Okay, I give up totally giving a damn, I’ll not go to the road of no restrictions. As I’ve micro-blogged: “I can’t give a damn. Because if I do, I’ll go insane. But before I do go insane, insanity would have already consumed me.” My giving-a-damn has the intensity of a fucking blackhole. I will not go down that road again— I remember now. In fact, I didn’t even try totally giving a damn, I only allowed a tiny pinch of a damn and it exploded. Okay, it didn’t, there were threatening sparks. And those were enough. To warn. At least no one else was affected in the process. The real bomb is the someone else who’s affected.
And according to my micro-blog posts, I said: “…has given up. Okay, whatever. Will just walk on, buy bread, drink water, eat noodles, shut up, sleep. And fall into a coma and be awaken when needed. Bye world.” This is not too far from status quo but now, I allow myself to be awaken and be shaken into a ‘normal’ person. Previously, when you wake me up, I am still the old, dead self. If not, I’m pretending.
According to what my mom quipped and what I always thought, it’s true. It’s me myself who’s at fault. No matter what fcking situations I am placed in, I’ll find a way to get miserable in the end. But yeah, I’m not going to accept that as a given of course. While I work on my anti-miserableness pills, I’ll fall into a protective coma where my ‘positive mental energy’ (please, I’m kidding on the usage of this term) doesn’t get used up too quickly and too much.
In this fcking age, after all, appearance is reality. I’m tired of all of these but I’ll be tired of anything NO MATTER WHERE I GO. So I’ll just stay and mooch and coma-sleep and be a human being when I’m not doing those. I’ll make it though well and good.
A new person and a new day. I’ll be better and be better and be good. And it’ll be easier, lighter and simpler. And if not, whatever, I’ll just spend my time here. Time is the measure of all things. I’ll just spend it. No matter what I do, I’ll spend it and it’ll charge me accurately. Fairly or justly, I know not, though.
And I won’t care if I’m confused. I can’t do anything to untangle the knots. And I’ve done what I can. And until the awaited something else does, I can do nothing. So I’ll also spend the time, doing things, until then. And it’s up to me how that time is spent.
What a desolate post. I feel like I’ve been living in a deserted log cabin for thousands of years and not seen anyone. And what a miserable post. My day has been great and then it crashed because of a phantom feeling and I had to write something like that? I’m incredulous. And I don’t even understand this entry. What is happening? I know not. I know not the answer to any question I ask myself.
And that’s that I suppose. I’ll go comatose myself. Bye!