I haven’t been this sad in the longest time so I am suffering because I forgot how to make myself feel better. And really, it has been the longest time since I am crying like crazy, uncontrollably at something which I can’t really explain specifically. And it sucks. And the fact that I’m wasting tissues away like that sucks too. But today is not the day about the forests and the environment, today is the day concerning the issue and me. So yes, tissue, suck it up, it’s not about you today.
I was doing the stuff I always do at home when I’m not out— lazing on the computer/piano, listening to songs, watching videos etc. And suddenly I just couldn’t take it anymore. I started bawling my eyes out for no reasons I can’t specifically pinpoint. And then I sunk in that couch which always hosted me when I had such massive crying fits. Normally, after a while, it would just stop and I would get sick of crying and I would figure things out. But no, this one’s lasting too long and I’m pissed off at myself. Freaking eyes hurt and eyelids swollen and nose all cranked up, something in the left ‘vessel’ of the nose seems to want to fall apart.
The thing is, I’ve done all that I can do for now so my job in that is kind of over for now. I think I did fine, at least nothing wrong. So, nothing to fix. And there is no explicit reason why I should be crying like that. If anything, I should be feeling positive instead. And wasn’t this how I expected myself to feel? Fuck this. And please stop crying. Crying over something isn’t bad— crying over something indeterminate is the real devil. If you know the problem, you can start solving it. But here, I don’t know what’s the problem and if there is a problem at all.
So here I am writing. After waiting too long for the crying to stop, I tried to hunt for an umbrella to walk out. I turned on the TV, all the channels on average sustained neutral mood for around 5 seconds and there I go again. (Oh, I finished the box of tissues.) The TV was boring. But most importantly, it’s mid-morning TV. You know what mid-morning TV is. Rejected programs, programs for people who turn on the TV all day long as background ambiance, programs for the desperate and helpless, for the bored, the nothing-to-do. AND I AM ONE OF THEM TODAY??????? No, I don’t want to be one of those who watch mid-morning TV. It’s making my mood even more pathetic. I don’t need this.
Then I turned off the TV after a while, feeling worse than ever. One thing is the TV programs itself. The other thing is that it’s one option down. What else do I do then? So I started listening to what I deem as ‘happy music’. Okay, this one sustained me a little longer. But not long enough. You know how when you’re feeling sad, everything can be coloured to fit the bill as ‘sad’? So everything ended up becoming a depressive accompaniment. Oh no, I don’t think I am depressed. I am just sad this time, not permanent or even semi-permanent I think and hope.
So, alright, I really don’t know what I can do. I don’t want to go out either. One thing is that I don’t know if I’ll suddenly tear up outside. So no umbrellas for me to walk out with. I have to wait for the rain to stop.
Alright, I think writing it out worked. I’m fine for now. Oh no, now I’m not.
I shall continue writing again then. I was telling myself much earlier on— today sucks. But I replied, today doesn’t suck, you made today suck. Everyday is the same, you’ve got the same time given to you everyday. There are boundless things you can do with it. And you chose to make it suck. So it’s your fault. On retrospect, this sounded very existentialist.
I shan’t make tomorrow suck and will do something about it and all of my days. And fix today up as well and the suckiness will not continue till the end of today. Ciao!