P.S: This post has turned out more personal and less analytical than what I thought I wanted it to be. But I can’t put in the effort to edit it, so I’ll just leave it here.
I just read something which I shall not disclose what I read for fear of losing anonymity of following the site that made references to it. Because you see, I don’t know who reads this blog. I also do not know if that fear is justified.
Any-way or other, it was quite an experience. In a way, I felt fortunate. But it was not directly related to what was featured on that article. I finally know how misplaced the status of my ‘depression’ is currently. All the triggers are currently gone. And it seems like the lack of triggers is causing some confusion. And after all this while, my natural disposition seems to be one that is down-cast. So, I am still externally ‘sad’. But I always need a reason for everything. So I need a reason to be that way. And I happen to be perhaps, mildly troubled by small friendship problems which may be even negligible in everyman contexts. And since those happen to exist at that moment, they are conveniently roped in to be the causes of my current blues.
But because my mind is wired up strangely and thus the above thoughts, it is obvious that even as I know the ‘reality’ (approximated at least), I can’t come to terms with it and live like the reality is really happening in the world. So, I still always do think there are huge people problems around me. Reading the article made me think differently. This analogy popped into my mind suddenly and all made sense (I think this analogy was as such because I just went shopping and it is also, one of the only things that really gives me a peace of mind, lately):
When I go into a clothing store, I’ll always know exactly what will look good on me and I’ll always be able to, at the same time, juggle price considerations, are-there-matching-clothes-already-available-to-go-with-it issues etc. all along with it. It’s just this intuition. And I’ll take a few of them to try on. But the results of walking-into-stores really differ with stores. Sometimes, I’m able to go into a store and within a minute or two and grab at handfuls of clothes, exceed the maximum I can try on at once. Sometimes, only one or two catch my eye at all and just take them along anyway and this happens normally when I’m with someone and that someone wants check out the store and I do it to pass time.
And then, I try them on. There’s a 50% success rate on average. Usually, the ones I know will look good do look good. And the success rate gets thumbed down normally because I just took something bizarre to try on for fun, or something that looks decent but I’ll never buy for reasons like the lack of occasion to wear etc. But an equally significant proportion belongs to ones that look great to me on the first impression but upon trying, don’t look as good. These are the bad eggs. These are the people that ‘ruin’ my life.
There are clothes that cause huge dilemmas. There are ones that don’t look bad and neither do they look too good but there’s something nagging you to get it and at the same time, a voice telling you not to. There are ones that look good but the price factor isn’t too appealing. There are also ones that don’t look amazing but the price factor is great.
I think these 3 types nicely encapsulated the people who are causing the phantom problems in my life right now. However, as with all kinds of idealisations, the actual situation doesn’t fit nicely into any of the 3. Most of them are mixtures and I’ll just speak freely on them. (Because it is 2 am and I want to finish it fast and I don’t really want to put too much effort into writing it and milking all that can be milked from this analogy. Opportunity cost is a little too high.)
The largest problem I have right now is this piece of clothing that doesn’t look too good and yet I keep convincing myself it is and spend huge amounts of effort tugging it this way and that, matching it with an assortment of other clothing, trying to make it work. I am kind of convinced that it is the best thing I’ve got. I am sick of it. Utterly. But to be frank, it does have it’s merits. But as a piece of clothing (let’s say I’ve tried altering it every way I’ll ever allow myself to), it’s nature can’t be changed. I’ll no longer try to beat something out of that wooden body. It isn’t going to change. It doesn’t know and doesn’t react to any further effort I put in. I am not going to abandon it or throw it in bleach or cut it up but I am no longer going to try to make it work the ideal way I want. I am going to be passively active. I am just going to reciprocate. I’ve tried hard enough. And the thing is, the piece of clothing isn’t all that good at all. Why do I hanker after it? I don’t think you need to try so hard to maintain and ‘advance’ a friendship.
And frankly, I don’t agree much with that person at all— intellectually, I can’t converse with that person. I am sick of trying to explain things over and over again. Being intellectually lazy is one thing. Being intellectually lazy and stubborn at the same time is another thing. I CAN’T STAND IT. Go read up on the things I’ve referred to before you argue with me and keep hammering your views at me. THEY ARE STILL-BORN. They’ve died before you even let them out of your mouth. Oh and add ‘intellectually arrogant’ to the list. I’ve been through a lot with this piece of clothing though. Thick and thin, mud and blood. But it seems to be that this piece of clothing has been through the same— or even maybe harsher conditions (according to the clothing) with other owners. So I’m a small fry— at least a fry. But really, I don’t think so. But now, I know.
I really don’t have to fight for something like that this hard. True, I only fight this hard because this is the most promising piece of clothing in the stores right now. I’ve tried all else— all of them won’t do too. And I got really upset. I thought there were huge problems with me. Do I not look okay? Well, maybe. But after changing my looks ten-thousand times, I get disappointed every-time. This does probably mean that there is a problem with me. But this does not exclude the fact that there can be something wrong with the clothing in the store as well. Either or both of us are at fault. BUT I MADE SUCH HUGE EFFORTS. THE STORE, THE CLOTHES DIDN’T. The store and the clothes must be at fault too.
I don’t have to take all the consequences of ill-fitting clothing, painful friendships/relationships. The clothes can suck. The store can suck too. And as detailed earlier— there are AWESOME stores and there are GODAWFUL stores. I can be in the latter right now. AND WHAT DO I DO? HERE’S THE CRUX OF IT ALL: I SHOULDN’T HANG AROUND THE STORE ALL DAY, PAYING ATTENTION TO THE SAME FEW PIECES OF CLOTHING AND THINKING IT ALL CAN WORK WITH THEM, ESPECIALLY AFTER TRYING SO HARD AND IT ISN’T. I SHOULD CHECK OUT NEW STORES. IF THERE AREN’T ANYMORE CLOTHING STORES RIGHT NOW, I SHOULD WAIT AND OCCUPY MYSELF WITH SOMETHING OTHER THAN CLOTHES.
I shouldn’t just obsess myself with people. I shouldn’t even, at all times, place people as priority. Right, they are, I’ve determined, the most important reason and mark of existence but it doesn’t mean that they should cloud over everything all the time— especially the people department is in some kind of a trouble now. My people department needs some real re-stocking. It is not my fault that I feel so stifled and old-aged because I’ve got so little people around and some of them have vanished and some of them are causing problems (but a few are just fine). There’s not much choice right now to begin with. I’ll have to wait— or actively seek out opportunities to meet more new people physically. Meanwhile, I’ll do something else AND FCK THE CLOTHES THAT ARE NOT WORKING.