I think I may have cyclothymia. Though I’m scared to think of it. I don’t want, okay? A little while ago, I just thought that my recent rises in mood is due to a conscious effort of me to ‘improve’ or something. I can’t really write coherently right now since I’m highly depressive (so I’m sorry for the language)— but it was triggered by something known. Before that, it was just mild blues. See that makes me want to kill someone, perhaps as an alternative to huddling up pathetically and crying.

I really don’t know. Lollll. I’m suspecting it’s maybe just all chemicals. I’m doing pretty okay in real life. Nothing to suggest something really screwd up that caused these disorders. If anything, the screwd-upness was probably due to these disorders, whether they present or not.

I feel terribly drained— though yes, it is triggered by a known cause. But if anything, I am really overreacting. Depression and its cousins are not sexy, emo kids.

I really need to find a way out. I am going to find a way out. Can’t believe my GP was so insistent on me seeing a psych when I just asked him for a letter of excuse regarding a slight OCD issue. He would have ordered me to be sent there the very next day if he ever catches wind of my mental history. I’m not going down the psych route definitely. Going to remodel my life, especially in the form of lifestyle.

Also, the nasty company or the lack of is gone. School is over for good for now. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling bouts of high nowadays. Maybe they are natural. Okay, they are natural. I think my high is induced. Whatever the real issue is again, I’ll brush these all off and change things for the better.

And kick that negative trigger in the ass. I also don’t care if he really is that nasty or that he meant it or not. The very fact that he triggered it deserves everything that’s dealt unto him.

I’ll win over this for sure. I’m not a slave to these. I go for the positive things and fuck the rest. Self-interest. Self-interest. ‘Self’ also includes people who matter. People who are a part of this side. Even if this doesn’t work too well, I’m surely constantly moving up, progressing. And I learn. And I get hardier. And I get to be prouder of the scars I’ve borne or whatever. And ultimately, I perish off the surface of the planet just like everyone else. It doesn’t matter. In here for a ride and it doesn’t matter. (Only after accepting the fact that something doesn’t matter and that it not working well does not equate to the end of the era, can I function properly.)

It’ll be better and it’ll be great, it’ll be fine. Tomorrow will be okay.

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