I AM SO GLAD IT IS OVER. ALMOST. ALL OVER EXCEPT FOR ONE MORE PAPER NEXT MONDAY.
A levels have robbed away 2 years of my life. And the damage is PRICELESS. Let me list some of it (whatever I can remember) out to you:
– The intense studying made me have anterior head carriage (where your head is misaligned with your neck and spine and is outstretched instead). It’s horrible. And it’s not like just poor back-related posture where you can just ‘stand up straighter’. This is like you have to push your chin backwards. It makes me want to puke.
– I have myopia in my right eye because of the KI coursework and the constant need to use the computer. (I DEMAND HEALTH INSURANCE OR SOMETHING.) Seriously. And this fucking thing (sorry, I need to swear) may not even turn out well and look at what kind of resources the school is giving us for this coursework? I’m SORRY. I DO NOT APPRECIATE ALL OF THESE.
– I HAVE NO LIFE NOW. Thank you. And I have no social life. And my mental life is also drained. Even my entertainment options have, in this process, contracted horribly (i.e., things related to the computer). I study best alone. And so I do this. And since I don’t think I’m naturally that good in the subjects I chose, I need to study a lot. And so, I became a no-lifer.
– I think this process has almost successfully drained all of my dreams. Where is ambition? Where is drive? I HAVE BECOME A BORING ADULT. Now I know why adults in our sociocultural landscape is so ‘boring’. It’s because of this fucking system. (I’m sorry about this. You see, you made me so emotionally unstable and mentally unhinged that I can’t even think about things AND NOT BE FUCKING ANGRY. I really need to recover.)
– I also lost touch with humanity and the basic human wants and needs etc. I don’t even think I’m a ‘girl’ or something like that. I’ve become so anti-[everything possible under the sun, even if contradictory]. I’m AGAINST EVERYTHING. I shun everything. I hate everything. I’m so BITTER. I think I’ve spun out of society. And I don’t really know how to get back in or whether I should and to what extent should I be involved/detached. This thing has seriously infected me. Even physically. I look hideous, okay? At least much more hideous that I was a few years back without all these SHIT. Hideous in terms of everything involving the way I carry myself and how I appear. And I don’t even know whether these all matters or not. I’m just so fucking broken.
But I’m going to get it back. Just for the sake of this game. I came into the world unwillingly (given my current circumstances) and to take revenge, I’m going to OWN it. You want to fuck with me, world, I’m going to do it back 10 times over. And I’m no UBERMENSCH right now. Very much the opposite. I hope I’ll be able to work towards that if ever. I need to stop hating too. Need to get all the negativities out of the way.
– This thing is definitely, for most part, due to social construction. I WISH I’D LEFT. I WISH I HAD BETTER RESULTS MANY MANY YEARS AGO SO I WILL NEVER HAVE TO DEAL WITH THESE ALL. And for those of you who say that: who knows what will happen if you’re in that new environment? Maybe there will be just as many problems? I’ll say, no. At least not as much as what it is now. I have considered about it more than you did. kthxbye.
– WILL THE LOVE OF WRITING EVER COME BACK? WILL THE LOVE OF THINKING EVER COME BACK? LOVE OF PHOTOGRAPHY? I MEAN THE PURE LOVE OF SOMETHING. IT’S ALL TAINTED NOW. I’LL NEVER LOOK AT ‘THINKING’ THE SAME WAY AGAIN. TAINTED BY SCHOOL. Bear in mind: I’m not pointing towards any particular school. I’M TALKING ABOUT EDUCATION. At the same time, I’m not blaming anyone. I’m just saying it is bad but not that anyone is responsible for such and such.
POSSIBILITIES ARE NOW, MAJORLY SHATTERED OR TAKEN AWAY. YOU’RE FORCED TO NOW CORNER YOURSELF INTO A BOX (AT LEAST A SMALLER SPACE).
I AM, FOR SURE, I SWEAR, FOR SURE, FOR SURE, FOR SURE, GOING TO HOME SCHOOL MY CHILD IN THE FUTURE. This all is getting ridiculous.
– I’M NOT CONTENT TO JUST GO WITH THE FLOW. I’M NOT FUCKING CONTENT (IN BIGGER CAPS IF IT’S POSSIBLE) TO HAVE PEOPLE SHAPE MY LIFE— NOT A SINGLE BIT WITHOUT MY CHOICE. I DON’T WANT MY PATH TO BE FUCKING DIRECTED. I HATE IT. WHY MUST ALL THESE BE SO STRUCTURED??? YES, IT IS SOCIALLY SOUND— IF NOT HOW CAN SOCIETY BE MANAGED IN THAT WAY? BUT I’M STILL VERY UPSET ABOUT IT. I STILL HATE IT. I DON’T BELONG ON EARTH. SPACE COLONIES, ARE YOU WILLING TO ACCEPT ME???
IN THE PAST, I WOULD HAVE WANTED TO JUST KILL MYSELF. BUT NOW, SOCIETY IS TOO CLEVER. IT MADE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO DO SO. I’M TOO RESPONSIBLE. I’LL BE KILLING MY PARENTS AND MY FAMILY FIGURATIVELY IF I DO SO. ALSO, A PART OF ME JUSTIFIES THE CASE THAT THIS ALL DOESN’T MATTER. YOU’RE GOING TO PERISH ONE DAY ANYWAY, IT DOESN’T MATTER WHICH DAY. THIS IS REALLY A GAME. JUST GO THROUGH IT AND SEE HOW IT GOES.
BUT I’M STILL VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY ANGRY AND BITTER.