I should be a more vicious person, yes. That’s the word.
(A reaction/thought to/about a now-disliked acquaintance whom I had a strange history with. He’s sitting pretty near.) I wonder if he’s listening to all that too. Well, most people do and are able to just screen it out auto but umm, I… no. Even if someone’s talking to me or that I’m having an extremely engaging conversation with someone, I can’t screen out my surroundings. Nowadays, I’m getting ‘better’. I do it deliberately. I discipline myself not to look around when I walk around outside— especially school. And when awkward moments happen, I strive to make the other person feel awkward and guilty for causing this thing and I, innocent.
I pretend not to sense certain vibes from people in order to obtain the end that I want (and that I deserve— in terms of being a normal human being, achieving that end is very, very normal). This is highly normal in the human population. People do suppress their feelings/thoughts about certain things. But I almost almost always notice things like those (and am highly accurate, objectively speaking). I used to either act upon those in a way to rectify negative feelings or whatever (I’m talking mostly about people reacting to things done by other people. I mind my actions too much to cause negative feelings in people whom I do not intend to hurt.) but I mostly just keep it in my mind or if the person speaks at the same frequency, I’ll point that (the negative feeling) out to him/her OR, if that revelation will lead the person to achieve an end that I want.
Nowadays, I’m too, too exhausted by the shit from the human race. I really need a fellow Frankenstein. And I used to search for that but now, I’m too bothered to do so. Or rather, it has killed me many times in the process. I give up. Not searching for anyone. COME WHAT MAY. I don’t care if I miss out that fellow Frankenstein in my period of passiveness but whatever. I shall survive on less than the bare minimum (Kids from Africa will probably kill me for this. My lifestyle— bare minimummm??!).
Truly, I’m too tired to care and have thus become ‘happier’. And lighter. Irony, huh? Might not be. That’s why all of you behave like that. I’m going to play the game of society and ace it. Just because I hate it. I’ll get what others want because I hate it. I know this might sound extremely ‘petty’ and ‘ignoble’ or whatever. But really, you guys push me to the edge. I’m over with trying to keep up my original personality in this place.
I’m going to live in a way that is a reaction to what you do. I’m going to live because I hate it. I hate life and I’m going to live through it and succeed. I’m going to prove how unworthy you are. And how you fail and how I don’t even when I hate it all. Ok?
Time for f-ing revenge. Enough.
[And then again, people around me will probably not realise much because there will probably be not-much changes in my behaviour, or that the changes will be within the range of being. But my mental configuration will be changed.]