[I wrote this a few days ago and didn’t have internet connection then so I didn’t post. Now, it sounds to me to be a little cheesy but the idea should be valid.]
I was starting on the previous post, intending to write about what I am going to write about now but it has deviated—but comfortingly so—more like a meander than a digression or deviation. And now, I continue—from where it all went another way from the 2nd sentence in the 2nd paragraph.
I shall start to live. I will be bold. I will let down my guard and forget and be remembered instead of remembering. I will be approached instead of approaching or not approaching at all. I will soak myself in everything human and experience everything – everything. I will not stay in the shadows and observe passively and despise everything that is not pale of life like I am/was.
I shall laugh and let loose and know that I am not judged on what I do all the time. And even so, points are awarded for the unaware and unprepared. It is fine for me to be hated if I open more doors for love. I shall be careless and let others fill in the gap. They do not need to be correct or please me all the time.
It is alright for me to hurt because everyone needs it and for those who don’t—they’ll understand it. I will act, free of identity. Identity is retrospective.
I will live, free of strings, from people, from things, from identities. Things that are truly worth staying for are not bounded by strings. … Omnipresent force, then …? It does not matter if people and things around me don’t last—it was never inherently assumed that they need to. I should not be concerned about that.
I shall acquire an appropriate measure of sociopathic tendencies. And be chased after instead of chasing or not chasing at all. When I can’t get hold of or am not something, I will not be nihilistic for fear and as an excuse. I will admit that I can’t and am not or, if is appropriate, I will go out to get it. I will not erase the questions that I cannot do.
I shall, for once, be a centrifugal force. And not the one who gathers the dispassionate borderlines and directs a bitter, quiet, psychological resistance. I will put my words and thoughts into action.
“The trick is, to combine your waking, rational abilities with the infinite possibilities of your dreams. If you can do that, you can do anything.” – Guy Forsythe (ukulele dude) in ‘Waking Life’
(And I don’t give a damn if I am being leeched on for what I’ve written right now. I don’t care if my ‘sense of life’ is being pirated away by someone else who likes shiny objects. The world is too large for a significant concentration of all that to exist and since no strings are tied, it does not affect me.)
The effects of this will be more clearly seen next year when I am out of my current environment in which a sudden change like this will be too bizarre. And besides, I need to study. And it is hard to do anything else when you’re studying.
When the A’s is over, I’ll join the many meetup groups and interest groups around the island—some of which I have in mind and some of which I am certain I will be able to find on the net. The variety shall be very diverse. I’ll widen my circle. I’ll pick up the violin. I’ll learn languages on the net. I will be exercising for leisure and interest. And I will make positive relationships with people and with people whom I will never have thought that I will end up being friends with. Conditions should not be directed outwards. Things shall happen. Conditions are only retrospective.
I’ll speak differently. I’ll feel differently. I’ll walk differently and carry myself differently. My gaze will be directed outwards and I’ll accept the notion of ‘embrace’.