[I wrote this a few days ago and didn’t have internet connection then so I didn’t post. Now, it sounds to me to be a little cheesy but the idea should be valid.]
I shall start to live. I will be bold. I will let down my guard and forget and be remembered instead of remembering. I will be approached instead of approaching or not approaching at all. I will soak myself in everything human and experience everything – everything.
I will not stay in the shadows and observe passively and despise everything that is not pale of life like I am. That does not mean that I have decided to love humanity— I am just availing myself of all value judgments and live to experience and make a positive difference to the world around me so that I will not have lived as a negative externality and hoarded resources that can be put to much better use by so many others who are dying to live. And when I perish, it will be clear that I have left no debts to humanity and have incurred enough positive returns that justify my existence many times over.
I have to make such a difficult agreement to myself because I am still alive. I did not commit self-slaughter back then many years ago. Now, it’s too late even if I’m emotionally willing. I will cause a large ‘net harm’. I will now have to pay for my existence.
This treads on my considerate nature once again. Being the hidden CCTV in almost all settings, I have been and always am observing relatively unconsciously. And it hit me many times that there are few who are as considerate as I am in the public space. I shall not go into how but I do a lot of bizarre and considerate things that few would even have thought of doing.
I don’t really know why I am so considerate—or rather, I don’t know how I started out being considerate. It seems imprinted into me—even after changing so much since I was younger. Principally speaking, I think I do that so that I will never have to be responsible for anything negative that can happen because I have been cautious enough. And truly, it worked in this way almost perfectly—I haven’t had a conflict (person or work-related etc.) of a measurable nature since I was 11. And the major conflict (and the small ones which can’t be said to be conflicts) which I have had are at most cold wars.
But the act of avoiding these came at a price—a pretty priceless one. Also, being that way also forced me to live a life more like one of a shadow—I don’t stand up to anything but I don’t even yield to anything either—I just wall-paper myself. I skirted away from so many things that are human. I won’t really describe myself as having led a meek life—I question whether I have ever tried to live at all. I have been preparing for something else instead.
But in those states, I found my solace—from the many labels that society or academia offered: MBTI, schizoid personality, mood disorders etc. Feeling and being that way seems much ‘better’ (although no one will want to admit it) when you can call yourself ‘depressed’ or ‘dysthymic’ or INTJ/INTP/INFP/INFJ or schizoid etc. Hey, you’ve got a name. A name that is shared by at least a measurable portion of the society! You’re not alone (although you told yourself you don’t dislike being alone at all).
And that solace was a trap. It was just buying into another identity, clinging onto it to be defined. Identities are o-k—but at that time, I didn’t think it that they were identities and I didn’t think that I was pathetic. I think I was totally asleep from age 0 to 15. At an earlier age, I didn’t have a backbone and I didn’t know that—I was led around by the nose and thankfully, those who led me around weren’t too bad. I was a copy of my environment and was written on and I didn’t write. At a later age, I thought—that was enough. But I swerved so far off the turf that I became ridiculous when I thought that I was original. And I thought that I was living and ‘thriving’ in the life that I led in which I was very sad, but delusionally so.
But all that paved a way for this life right now. It’s much better. At least the fog is now clear. I am fully cognizant that I am the driver and that I choose for myself and everything that I do and cause leads back to me. This is called… a label again, though more for an f.y.i’s sake: an internal locus of control. And I am clear-headed and awake. I can fully see what is happening in reality and not only behind a pair of fogged glasses and ego. And what others see of me strongly coheres with what I see of myself. But that does not mean that I do anything with my newfound ‘capability’.
It just made me a lot more internally at peace but ironically, my relationships with the external world have deteriorated. It seems like this internal consistency and relative contentedness has driven me further inside and to those who don’t understand, I have to put on a mask which I am increasingly bad at doing.
And this post has clearly deviated from my original intentions and I shall start again on the next post.