I was writing this quite a few days back (and stopped without completing) and I was beside myself. Although the content isn’t really mood-dependent, the logic and language and attitude etc. are. Although I didn’t really read through everything (for fear of correcting anything in it), the tiny part which I’ve read seems to me to be quite egoistic. And I think I could have expressed it so much better in a selfish way in which catharsis can occur. This didn’t resonate with me at all when I wrote it. Oh well, if need be, I’ll write it again.

From this, I will issue an ultimatum: to not to actively search for persons of similar ideologies, interests, taste, personalities etc. I’ll no longer search for people for mental fulfillment — which is basically the only thing that motivates me to interact with people. I realized that this is the root of all the episodes I have been through since 5 years ago.

I have reached a conclusion akin to this before—when I was still in intjforum and found so many like-minded people. I realized at that time that the kind of people I yearn to meet is not exclusively unique and impossible to come by. And there, complacency was first allowed to creep in. I no longer valued people so much and that is an improvement (if you do not see why, I can explain if you ask but I will not expend my efforts to do it right now).

And now, my reasons can my described as pragmatic or if twisted in the right way, it can be seen as a Nietzschean sort of pride. Basically, to cease the search for a friend/mate for the Frankenstein, one ceases to be Frankenstein. If you’re an optimist, you can say that by doing so, it opens me up to more people—since people who offer me a sense of mental fulfillment are few and far between or ‘unreachable’ in reality. If you’re nihilistic, you can say that I have rose above the need for people—and even people for such a non-trivial need and it has certainly proved my nihilistic mettle.

But really, the reason why I am doing this is a holistic mix of everything—which, at the very end, should seem to be pragmatic. I am not a misanthrope at all as much as I can easily become one without much suspicion about my authenticity. I am just bad at being human. What is obvious to everyone is not to me. But it can be said that I enjoy the process of deriving what seems to be unwritten rules. (But it’s good in a way that once I come to realize these, I can choose to adopt them or not.) And what I mean is that I will no longer actively search for those, no longer winnow people with that aim in mind. It clears my mental burden and will not make a noticeable difference at all in my daily life—just a change in my mental attitude. Of course, I still value people like that for sure.

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