My trouble is insomnia. If I had always slept properly, I’d never written a line. – Louis-Ferdinand Celine

True. Reminds me of the period in my life (in the earlier archives of this journal) where I wrote-a-lot-but-did-not-sleep-as-much.

And it also reminded me of an earlier post I made about how I was told to change my lifestyle to see the effects play out on my mental condition: https://23huisclos.wordpress.com/2010/03/07/recounts-and-an-update/

“And this brings me on to a thought—that no matter how some of us might not want to acknowledge or consider, psychological conditions, etc. etc. are, to an appreciable extent linked to chemically-related factors and also to ‘lifestyle’.

I have been interacting with people, the ones which are especially relevant are the ones on the net and I spoke to someone (who’s on anti-depressants. At the point in time when I was contemplating if I should seek clinical ‘help’ or not) who told me to change my diet and lifestyle (exercise, the places you go to, or the way you spend your day, the way you behave, your thoughts, who you go around with etc.). “

Today, I acknowledge that the amount of sleep I get is inversely proportional to the magnitude of OCD I experience in my waking life. The amplitude and frequency of my mood-swing (you’re supposed to smirk here but alas, this joke requires an adequate knowledge of physics) is also inversely proportional to the amount of sleep I get. And the concentration of caffeine in my blood is zero order with respect to the nature of my mood swings and OCDs (you’re supposed to smirk here again but this requires an adequate knowledge of chemistry). But I don’t mind. Because the consequences of my mood swings and OCD episodes are (alright, I shall avoid jargon-humour from this point onward) almost independent to what I want to head towards at the end of the day.

I was doing some chemistry questions and I came across this (I really Serendipitously came across these and was so excited that I took pictures of them and was intending to upload them for it to be more genuine but I was too lazy):

Dopamine

Apparently, I lack enough of this and therefore, I’m a depressed wreck/emotionLESS wreck and emotionAL wreck/schizoid wreck (actually to me, this phrase is a paradox) etc. (I’m not trying to sound coherent here so forget about it… yeah)

I also came across this:

Caffeine

Yeah, my Life-Blood. Supposedly.

Anyway, today I think I’ve finally realised (I’ve always had a degree of realisation but it didn’t came across enough) how ‘different’ I am (read: weird— in a more negative way). Especially the way I behave around the acquaintances (I shall not elaborate because it will go on for too long).

But at the same time, you know what— I don’t give a damn anymore. Normal wouldn’t happen (not that I want it to but I’d always wanted to keep that as a ready option I can revert to when I need it). And I don’t and won’t meddle in complex emotions.

And I won’t give a damn about how I’m being judged by [whatever or whoever] to an appropriate extent anymore. Really, go eat yourself. If it doesn’t figure in the final equation, I’ll wipe it all off the map. For the past 17 years of my life, I’m haunted mainly by the very opposite of what I’ve just expressed. It’s time to start to live. And for ‘myself’.

I’m back to the understanding that this life is a game and what I do and what I am is as almost as malleable and ‘nihilistic’ as how I determine what my character will do in the game of Monopoly, or ‘Life’ etc. Why should I stay consistent? There’s nothing binding (in the higher sense) and there’s no ‘me’. Of course, I’m saying all these in an overly absolute and exaggerated sense because I’m currently not truly thinking because I’m distracted by something and also because I’ll only act on certain things and express them in a much lesser % of what the original equation was; so I’d might as well blow up the original equation to achieve a larger yield.

And of course, as always, I’m my own person and I’ll not be influenced by what I do not choose. I practice this consistently well but I get upset when it’s not up to the 100% mark and foreign bodies can creep in..

Ciao and I think I sound strange in this one (My mind is 80% distracted by my current environment.)

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