Note: Am highly aware that there should be a lot of reasoning errors in this post but— it’s a blog! Also, wouldn’t be blogging for quite some time again— just a note, if you are ever debating on whether to read this or not considering its length.

I have decided. I want to do medicine. I have never really decided on something concerning my future so concretely before, partly for fear of what will happen if I do not actualize it, partly for fear of how it can be a wrong decision. But now, I think I am 90+% sure—and the only hesitation left is speculation on the probability that the admission’s board within the medicine faculty in the universities will admit me.

Before this (actually not really ‘before this’—medicine was also a large part of what I think about—and the most consistent one), I was thinking about law primarily and also architecture, research sciences, teaching (which I will proceed to take up philosophy or communications or sociology etc.).

What finally pushed me down over the other side of the fence was something bizarre. I was doing the recommended career determination kind of quiz which was recommended to us by the teachers and the quiz was humongous in scale, last around 115 questions with each asking you to rate something on a scale of 1-100. It basically lists a work activity and asks how much you would like to do it and how well you think you can do it. And me being me who is fine with everything and am really FINE with everything (not much preference in the sense of ‘not picky’ but does well), I scored homogeneously around 50-70+% for almost all of the determinants (like realistic, artistic, social, investigative, enterprising… etc.).

And the dumb quiz generated ‘3D animator’ as my ideal occupation, followed by a host of other trivialities like some technical, animation, entertainment related schtuff and uhh biochemist and mathematician chucked amidst the mess. No way. Not in my life—3D animator. I’m sorry, I see it as VERY TRIVIAL. I feel like a leaf. Worse than a leaf. It would be worse than a life of sipping tea in the backyard watching the clouds go by. And I feel like I’ve committed a sin. For reasons unknown. Sorry to the aspiring 3D animators out there—actually, I’m not very sorry for it.

And it’s times like these where I gather things about myself. I want to be heard, to be useful, to be known and primarily—not for my personality to be incident to the period of time I spend here in existence. I want to be echoed throughout time, after my death. Perhaps not in that dramatic a sense but I want to be remembered for something—something other than a personal encounter—preferably an academic one.

And I want to contribute to fields of knowledge and not engage myself purely and mostly in the provision of services. I want to practice something contingent to the times but at the same time, create and constantly push beyond the times, with the near future constantly within reach. And when one ceases to exist, one will be remembered for passing the baton in a responsible fashion. Nowadays, I tend to see scientific revolutions and discoveries as ‘a part of the process’—much like routine. They are not surprising and unexpected—they are what makes science science and breakthroughs should be a habit. And I want to be responsible for passing a baton and be incident to future progress. At least this wave is moving—it is a progressive wave (joke intended—for those who take physics)!

I thought about law, about oratory, about writing etc. And I thought about Socrates and the Sophists. I’m not siding with Socrates explicitly but that’s just what I thought about. And I agree with him on the rhetoric part. I want to commit myself towards pursuing pure knowledge. I do not want expend the majority of my energies towards honing rhetoric. And no matter how untrue I am towards myself, I will not be incident to a stagnant art which I can’t define and am to be defined.

I thought of Doctor McCoy in Star Trek, specifically in the movie ‘The Next Generation’, the one involving the humpback whales and the journey behind time to obtain a recording of the extinct humpback whales for a planet-saving endeavour. In a scene where McCoy was in a hospital in the 21st century, he exclaimed in shock—“IS THIS THE SPANISH INQUISITION?” upon seeing the way patients were treated. Patients were treated like how they were today by the way—an old woman was undergoing kidney dialysis and McCoy fed her a pill and gave her a shot or something and it was found that she had recovered perfectly and had eve regenerated a new kidney.

Considering how science fiction stories are many times, a precursor to future developments, I am optimistic towards many things among others.

Imagine if I were a lawyer or something of some sorts, what can I bring down across time? You can name some things and they are surely justifiable but I do not think that they can be as meaningful as pure, hard knowledge. The objective indicators. As much as I love writing, I do not want to spend the major part of my life in introspection and observing and uttering perhaps wisecraps (this word was picked up from the book ‘The Sunday of Life’ that can never be made real. I can advise, I can moan, I can shake my fist, I can declare anything I want but I can never materialize—I can perhaps, but only indirectly, with little efficiency. And I can perhaps be remembered as a strong verbal activist who wrote words that were so astounding and enlightening but I can never make them happen. Well maybe I can—but what I’m talking about here is a life more concentrated on pure words. If I were to be an activist, I can still write but I will say that I am mainly an activist and use words as my tool.

What I think I think is that the ability to reason, analyse, observe, argue, write etc., are more like lifeskills and should not be directly and explicitly sold towards a certain profession. They should be treated as assumed lifeskills and belong to people who are not within the respective profession. In the past, I had been mercenary towards what I think are my strengths. Like: oh I can write—a writer I shall be!, etc. I had adopted the attitude or practice of squeezing dry of my ‘talents’ to search of a way to market them in the future to exchange for financial returns. You can say that that is practical and I agree that it is and is not entirely wrong—or nothing wrong with it but what I’m thinking more about nowadays is what I really value in my brief existence here and how I can work towards realizing the values. What I am and will be good at will naturally follow—not the other way around. And we should all realize the potential of being human, the bend-ability of the intellect, mind, body etc. But of course, if you do not, it’s perfectly fine, because we need people like you in the world.

And I think of all the empty constructs created by words and the associations of them—sentences. And in my mind, I think of myself as ‘superhuman’—or at least having the ability to transcend some things some find difficult to. This mentality was stronger in the past. And thinking back to the time when I was 15 or so—I was chatting with an internet acquaintance and I brought up the issue of my poor grades and how I am not allowed to pursue what I like and think that I am good at—photography, writing, etc. And that guy said something that should be quite apparent but was not to me at the moment: that I should study and get a decent grade first then I’ll of course be allowed to pursue what I like. At that time when I still have the energy to retort everything that sounds off my agenda, I retorted back something unintelligible to me at this moment.

Right now, I see pure wisdom in what he has said. And I have perhaps, inappropriately (to him), extrapolated it to a wider dimension. I see it as: if I can’t overcome standards set by human constructs, how can I prove to be above-human, or at least, a revolutionary in the least? And so, I have henceforth set off to conquer the human. And only after that where I can be heard among this mass of human mess can I determine what I want.

And these are not the only reasons and not all of these are reasons why I want to do medicine. A huge part of it has got to do with my KI thesis on biomedicine, meeting Professor Aaron Ciechanover and hearing him speak twice, the political climate within various occupations etc.

I will, ultimately find a way—even if I can’t get there at once.