[14th Feb: A mood-ridden entry. Not really valid now.]
I’m not awkward anymore. Nor am I so yielding and self-conscious. I noticed that this is because I hate the physical world around me so much that I have obliterated it from my locus of concern. At the very beginning of this change, I thought that hmm, I am beginning to make peace with the world around me, integrating myself into it without changing too much of me—whatever that meant. Any way or other, I seem to be more accepting towards everything.
But then, no. I have in fact just killed all of them in my mind without even realizing. Drowned the voices. I hated them so much that they disappeared. Both the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ ones. Same with the religion saga—I hate both sides of it, but especially the poisonous interaction between the 2 that I ‘beamed’ (Star Trek) myself out of it and deemed it non-existent. So I am a pragmatic agnostic.
This is a position which I realized that I have always taken and which that I should have realized earlier, preferably that I am as such. After many years of studying, I have observed too often the problem of taking any sides at all. For example, no matter what subjects you study, for example, economics—they list out 2 conflicting policies or school of thought for you and voila, you think that maybe policy A is better than policy B, perhaps because it is more fitting to your worldview.
And then, you read about the advantages of both policies and you’re supposed to memorise them for a test. And then, you read about the LIMITATIONS of both policies and you’re supposed to MEMORISE them for a test. And for a test that supposedly determines your life. When this happens, I feel choked and I start to think that the whole franchise is phony. When you have to even MEMORISE the WAY TO THINK…
And then you stare at the nicely tabulated advantages and limitations for each policy and you don’t feel like you are standing on the shoulders of giants—you feel like you’re looking at dead bodies which even maggots have ceased to occupy. All those words are dead. And accumulated. Like dead fingernails.
And so, I have obliterated the act of taking sides. No, obliterating it is not taking a side. I hate you—why do you say that saying knowing nothing at all is knowing something about something else? No way. Why is unpredictability predictable? No way. (You are equivocating on the words ‘know’ and ‘predictable’ in a way that both are used in 2 different ways in one statement.) And you think that’s cool and mighty?
But now I am living in this space of mine better than ever. Perhaps this is how you physically live in this world and what you do if you want to be adequately successful. Just that I have gone on a huge loop to get there. But even as I seem normal and alright, what goes on in my mind (the degree of normalcy) is inversely proportional to the degree of normalcy in my physical self.
Speaking of Star Trek earlier, it reminds me of one of the first few episodes of TOS where this alien guy Charlie make things and people disappear whenever he hates them (leading to trouble on the crew in the Enterprise). Except that for me, no one cares if they disappear in my mind because well, there seems to be not much of a difference to them anyway.