I’m feeling it again.
Each time I feel like deleting myself from existence, I’ll always eventually feel better— in a very short time because I am an efficient person. And when I feel better, my locus of acceptance for meaninglessness enlarges to include the subject I was helpless over.
And only when I deem it meaningless, I can face it head on and nail it.
When I deem something meaningless, I do not take it seriously. I put in my best and expect the worst and keep in mind the salvation plan. I only do something and continue doing something comfortably if I know that I can nail it. And even then, I do not care about the matter. It does not concern ‘me’.
It sounds ridiculous but I really do not care about it and I cannot care about it. I need to detach a part of myself from it or anything else in order for myself to even function properly in any daily activities.
I guess: when I deem something meaningless, I am no longer afraid of failure— because it is never possible to fail and when a lot of things are meaningless due to accumulation of the meaningless-labeling over the years— I feel so free to move and to breathe because no matter what I do, it is meaningless and I find that fact funny, joyful and uplifting.
And I’ve become a more balanced person— in fact balanced to the extent there’s nothing of me. And I see the value in floating around. And I know the value in ‘every cloud has a silver lining’. In fact, I think every cloud is choke-full of silver-linings and truffle shavings. The bad is the good because something that happen after that will always have a good one and it is only possible after going through the bad. And for the bad to happen, something good must have happened before that. So why aren’t we blaming it on the good?
On another note, studying KI was the most wonderful thing I’ve done to myself. Not because of KI’s content itself— more of the self-readings but KI led me to that. But because it led me to fully appreciate the interdisciplinary. And I feel like I’ve seen pieces of the world once so distinctly segregated, piecing up together— pieced together. And I love all of them— science, math, culture, language, religion… even art. I love the big world for what it is. For its DIVERSITY. And for its meaninglessness.
So why do I live? …when I live without meaning.
I guess I’m in the post-nihilistic phase. I live because other people find my existence meaningful. If not, I can work towards creating meaning (meaning to others) in their lives. I find an equal meaninglessness in death. So it doesn’t matter if I die or not. But since others care, I live for their meaning, no matter how small or big it is.
So you might ask: by that, I find meaning in fulfilling other’s meaning? No. I find it an economic waste to destroy myself— and the economical concept comes from you and your society. Even if I’m not truly living among you, I am physically. I do not deny that I am a human being. And I should be made use of by your society and not unnecessarily trespass it.