I think that the result of the content of the previous post can be mainly attributed towards my confusion towards the activity of blogging. What do I blog for—the reason why I am churning out the content that I churn out, the purpose or ‘intent’ of doing so and the consequences. No matter where I turn in those questions, the answers irk me.

My first instinct towards the question is that I am posting as a log of my life. I have frequently said this, especially as a prelude or epilogue in a quirky post whose reasons for existence might be easily read otherwise. And I have never (since the last time I changed)exaggerated/’comicalised’ things just for comic relief or a parade of wit and humour, I have never misrepresented things outside of what I feel/think about/make of them for any purposes, I have never written/posted things that are not representations of myself—to make it clearer, I have never written/posted things as potential extensions of myself for me to live up to them eventually—the ‘I’ comes first, then the post. I have done all I can to prevent misunderstandings—if not, it will be stated in the post that I am slack in that area that day for a variety of reasons. I have never sought to parade myself via the medium of my blog and/or keep it as a narcissistic fantasy.

The above is all true but I find myself questioning. So why do I keep a public journal? Well, I keep an offline journal and now it is kind of defunct. I can state genuine reasons like convenience (computer, internet, multi-tasking, immediacy, keyboard, bad handwriting), aesthetic delight (template, customizable header, personality, url, blog name, flexibility). But then again, I can state a similar set of reasons like those for an offline journal. And if I keep a blog, why do I make it public if I just want it as a logbook of my life? Also, wouldn’t it be more ‘true’ in an ‘uninhibited’ sense if I make it private?

To this question, I have said that ‘I want to be alone in a public place’ and a blog like mine seems to fulfill that. Maybe to me, what matters most in this logbook is not about ‘uninhibition’, it is about mirroring ‘reality’, how I or my mind/thoughts would function in an actual public setting—a real simulation. It seems to be quite true. As a thought experiment, I’ll not worry much if I were just getting 1 view on an average everyday—it would not make much of a difference to me if I were getting 10 views a day. This is just like my numerous sagas where I ‘switch’ blogs but move the entire archive along with me, changing only the blog url and header but that seems to make a huge difference.

It is strange. I think it will not bother me ‘much’ even if I was conscious that no one was reading it all when I am running a public journal. A private online journal which I tell no one about will bother me. A private online journal restricted to a few individuals will KILL me. A private offline journal will not bother me but I’ll worry about it since it often fades into trivialities and I often fall asleep writing those. So I need a phantom, unknown audience. BUT OF COURSE, with specks of people I know among it.

So if I project such an air of nonchalance towards the audience, why I do paste my blog url all over my social networking accounts, subscribed forums etc.? I will say that I do that for people who know me in a certain medium/setting to have a more holistic picture of me. I have never, for a long time, explicitly told someone my url in real life when a discussion of blogs is brought up unless the said party asks. Then I answer, almost bashfully. I am unsure why. Maybe it’s because it is strange to know of someone who is not close to me (people who are close to me already know and will not ask) in real life who reads and worse, because s/he asked for my url, has to have a reaction to it—like comment to signify his/her ‘having checked my blog out’ or talk to me in real life about it. And I’ll have to be jittery about how to react to that. But worst of all, all the while I am thinking about how when people ask for ‘my blog’, they are not expecting something like mine. I am almost apologetic towards the latter crowd, but at the same time, glad for the ‘awareness’ I’ve given to them—uh, about the nature of myself. That sounds inappropriately narcissistic but I am implying nothing of that sort.

But I am more than willing to plaster my url all over mediums of access where I can’t monitor who’s accessing it. On one hand I would like to know the consistent members of the party which makes up the views which do not end up as comments/people whom I know follows my blog occasionally. On the other, I would never openly seek for their identities or make an effort to find out. But this saga, although seemingly vexing, does not affect me in any ways.

As a somewhat disjunctive mention, I am, very sick of talking about the repetitive aspects of my mental life—which covers a majority of the mental life talk. I am, also very sick of feeling sick, angry, depressed, confused, jumpy, upset, entertained/joyful in a yoyo way, bored, etc.