Edit: 4 hours later. I honestly think that (not that I can be anything but being honest— I can’t/don’t ever lie much because it is a false projection of myself) this post was written under the influence of something strange— and fleeting. I will be agnostic towards the truth of this post until I can make something out of it.
I just need to go on a rant about something because this thing is overwhelming me and it has been building up for at least, measurably/consciously, a few days and when taken further, it can be said to have been building up for my entire life but whatever about the latter. And I do not have much time left, I need to go out for something so I’ll take no effort/time to organise it in an effective way. And I want to capture my thoughts and my mood.
For the past few days/week/any time period/my life (it is important to note that this post was an accumulated experience, not a sole one but there was a last straw), I have been exposed to materials that make me feel/communicates to me how small I am. For the first time, I’ve recognised/acknowledged what it means by ‘living in a well’. I’ve always thought that I’m ‘better’ than ‘them all’, the term applied loosely to the majority of the population, in a way that I think that I think and I consider and I ponder etc etc (sorry about the language/choice of words but that is not much of a concern to me). And that I’m open and everything goes for me.
And for the first time, I sense this sense of egoism in me and I feel like slapping myself. For my entire life, I have never identified myself with that word (egoism) and can never ever accept the use of that word on me because I’ll never do anything to identify myself with that. But now I feel that the mere choice of projecting one identity instead of another is a form of egoistic expression. I think identities are filters that choose, interpret, experience. And I do not want that filter of mine anymore. And there are a few (I would say 4 specific ones) major instances of this in my life where I dump an identity and adopt another and undergo a major personality change. And each time I do that, I think that I am moving on to something better.
Alright and now I am doing it again— I am again, drawing things, thoughts, ideas, words back to myself, narrating them as a relationship with my internal self. I do not want to ‘close’ things up anymore. I do not want to draw things in and play the game in my head and shut everything off. It’s so delusional. I think I’m more delusional than anything else (although do take this sentence lightly. It’s an ’emote-speak’, not intended to be logical/reasoned.). A way to justify that is— I do not claim that I am delusional, I think that I am aware that I am not delusional. But some of the ‘other people’ who live their lives in a certain way (I’ll just call the group the ‘shallow’ and the ‘frivolous’)— they do not claim that they are not delusional.
I now claim that I am delusional. And well, everyone is, to a certain degree. To be delusional is to have a filter, to have that identity. I… do not want to be delusional. We’ll see how that develops but let me move on to something else because I’ve only got a few minutes left.
To be more concrete in my post, the thing that made me feel this way is the internet— specifically youtube and of course, many of the other vehicles like blogs, articles— mainly observing the interactions (human-to-human, like comments, comment responses, video responses, videos, personal messages etc.) that occur and with all of those different genres of interactions, all flooding in and intermixing and I (to loosely put it) do not know what to make of that.
All the different pieces coming together, I do not know how to chew them and interpret— I always need a stance in something and for the first few times, I’ve encountered countless number of things that I don’t know what to make of (putting it loosely again).
I need to go now and am very clear that this entire thing is really confused but I’m just keeping it as a personal tab and I write things to capture the mood at a certain time and I write words that best preserve/describe that and it is clear that I am unclear.
I’ll just say that I am not saying that I feel ‘inferior’ or anything related to that word— all that collective of things I am talking about does not exist explicitly as a collective and it is only as a collective that I can feel inferior. I do not feel inferior to specific persons/materials etc., I feel inferior, or I should put it, I am inferior to the collective. And I submit.