It is undeniable and apparent to all eyes that my blog is sinking into its self-dug grave where the trivial-minded reside, hopefully not forever— the length of time they spend there is calibrated precisely by the amount of boredom (and many other more important factors that I do not care to think of because I am in the trivial mood right now) it will take to hoist themselves up from the hole.

I have observed this important principle governing my life: My Triviality Index is proportional to My Weight.

When I get heavier, I get trivial-er, happy-go-luckier, though more prone to rage, I exhibit more base feelings and do not take my life seriously. I live in a haze. I also do not seem to take others seriously enough though the ‘regulator’ function in me still works. Ahh, I thought of Nietzsche’s Dionysian. But well, I am a pale form of it, but you get the idea. When I get lighter, my head is clearer, I do not have so many voices swimming in my head, I study better, I can sit still, I think more, I think better, my empathy function is back. I take my life and others seriously. Apollonian?

The main thing is: my 3rd person function is weaker when I’m heavier and stronger when I’m lighter. My 3rd person function is this extension of myself in my daily life— it serves to analyse and reanalyse in a detached mode and make the necessary adjustments or prescriptions as deemed fit. I need it.

My weight fluctuates from 49kg (108 lbs) to 55kg (121 lbs) in a typical cycle. I have been through 3 of them, I think. I do not diet. My metabolism rate is very low (understatement) and I normally eat at most 2 meals a day (when I’m busy, I eat 1). I do not need much to survive. I seldom ever feel hungry. So I eat like that when ‘reason’ is still embedded in me (when I’m still sane). However, as my triviality index increases (eh, I do not know which come first but I tend to desire triviality after an appreciably long period of non-triviality. I need change. So I’ll take it that the triviality index sometimes happen first.), I’ll eat for leisure and eat like the social environment around me. And with my weight increasing, it’ll go back to reinforce the triviality index which will enhance my weight again.

When does this stop? When I’m 55kg. It is the threshold. Which is now (last night). This is the sign that tells me that the ‘carnival’ is over. And it’s time to head in the other direction. Not that I’m that self-conscious about my weight, I am to a certain degree, much like everyone— though certainly much, much less than the obsession with it that normal girls my age do. The thing is, that lifestyle for me is unnatural. If I eat like what I do when ‘reason’ is embedded in me, I’ll maintain my weight at 49kg, not less, not more. That’s my ‘true’ weight. If I go on this 55kg path, I have reason to think that the boundary is non-existent. And also, my Triviality Index needs a fix. It’s yucky living with the trivial person. And I need the 3rd person back.

This is how I change in my life. Sometimes, the Triviality Index gets tampered with first and my weight follows, or my weight alters and so goes along the Triviality Index.

I have nowadays, in fact, not been eating in an insane fashion though. It’s the holidays so I lead an extra-sedentary lifestyle (some days it only occurred to me to eat in the evening but that was long gone). I need a table, a chair and something in front of me (computer, book, worksheet, blah) to live through my day. The only time I get up is to either move my gear into this similar setup in the library right next to my house or to take a short walk to somewhere where I eat. And sometimes, I walk around my house because I’m bored and busy and insane— at the same time.