I was taking an approximately 3 hour nap an hour ago. Although I was frustrated that a nap of such a magnitude and needlessness occurred, I was ‘glad’ that I took that nap. I dreamt and after that dream, I will never entertain any thoughts of willing voluntary death on myself for ill-founded reasons. It was also odd because it was one of the only dreams where I was not conscious that it was a dream— until much later when I was awaking. And this dream affirmed what I thought about dreams— that even if they are irrational in a certain way, they are founded on what you believe about the personality of characters appearing in your dream.
Because I did not immediately write anything down or forcefully commit it to memory, some parts might be missing. I was too relieved that it was just a dream (such a dream of this nature only happened once before— when I was 5/6 and I dreamt of skeletons circling around my bed and I was in the land of ghosts and so on). Also, at least 3 other dreams took place together with this dream.
I shall be brief about the dream:
For some odd reasons that I forgot (but it was a really ridiculous and light reason), my entire family was sentenced to capital punishment— all of us are to be executed. But another leap in the logic appeared and only my brother and I are to die. And so, fast-forward… my brother is killed.
Bear in mind that in my dream landscape, the venue that all these are taking place was more like a classroom (just an empty room with body-sized) holes dug in the ground and a pile of soil at the foot of it to bury people?) than anything and there was literally no guards or anything like a courtroom or place-where-you-execute-people or a jail. My mind got the ‘burial’ picture from Star Trek TOS episode 2 or 3 and the room from my school.
And I was talking to my mom. I didn’t want to end up dying because heck— any parent would be insane if both of their children died. Especially my parents. Because they see children as a kind of human stock or whatever but in a more compassionate sense, I should add. To deplete their children would be to go bankrupt. That is why in life in real time, I do not want to do anything dumb that concerns my existence because as horrible as things get, they did not choose to invest in me as their stock, as their child. They are, as unfortunate as me if you were to take it that way. That is also why I feel sorry for being their child.
Also (back to the dream), I was scared— but this was because I thought I was going to be buried alive— a logic leap. Does this mean that in real life, I see little difference in death and being buried alive— or at least being alive after death? Mistaking it for being buried alive, I even went to the toilet because I thought— how am I going to go to the toilet when I am buried? Do my business there? How smelly. But after coming back from the toilet, I realised that error.
But all of the time, I never thought I will actually die— which is a reasonable thing to think because one can never imagine what will happen after death as said in one of my previous post. But at the same time, logic tells me that in all religions or non-religions, non of them says that you will continue living the same way after death. So I was a little despondent but I still did not believe that I will die. I kept imagining what they will do to me— hang or stab or whatever and wondering what it would feel like and what will happen at the moment where I ‘die’. And I didn’t want that to happen. I am not a very adventurous person. I do not want to experience any sharp sensations.
Oh, I forgot to mention— in the toilet while looking at the mirror, I was asking myself do I really want to die or not. Because I have been wishing for it for so consistently. And it came. So why do I want to avoid it? And me being me, I always think that there are other ways out, so I thought that further appeals at litigation would surely lighten the sentence.
So I talked to my mom about it. I have always recognised how ridiculous the sentence is— 4 die for some small and light reason? But I think at first, I didn’t want to change it in any ways because I was wondering if I should die in that way or not. Because I wanted to die and was not able to get myself to kill myself. I’d always wished that something or someone can kill me. And so it came.
This was the moment where I started to wake and I was conscious that it was a dream. But I went back to sleep to ‘finish’ the dream but I didn’t— I went on to the second dream.
I think the ‘deepest’ thing about this is that it was reality to me, it played out physically before me. It wasn’t introspection where you have all the time in the world and where you can be a little dishonest by dramatising. I had been put through a near-death experience— it doesn’t matter that it was actually a dream. It was real. I would have been curious to find out what will happen if I am killed but I am sure that ‘I’ (my subconscious, perhaps) will never allow myself to die or be killed.