I’m feeling the urge to delete myself again although I know that it is the problems that I am facing and that I should solve that needs deleting. There is a difference between a challenge and an avalanche, one prompts action and the other prompts defeatism. Reminds me of Tetris when incomplete lines just pile up and you’re waiting for the piece (often the long 4-grid piece) that never comes and you no longer feel hopeful or psyched nor even frustrated. You just want to die.

But these games teach me another thing: if you say ‘since I’ll die anyway, why live’, then ‘since it’ll be ‘game over’ eventually, why do I play it?’ should apply too. This teaches me that the process does matter intuitively even if it might seem irrational.

I know that what I need is not an absolute, terminal end—I need a break and change and a reboot. And I know that I desire the former because I think that the latter three are hard to achieve or impossible. And I know that I should not be thinking that way and that those thoughts are false.

But I still feel that way.

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