So I’d started this offline diary recently, in fact, the day before my birthday on the 11th Oct. It was really strange because YH wrote in her card that she observed that I change a blog every birthday and hmm, indeed somewhat. But it was stranger because I hadn’t noticed that my diary had ‘started’ on the 11th Oct because it was just written on a piece of scrap paper. I only bought a memo pad for the purpose on the 15th but thankfully I’d left a page (2 sides) blank at the front which is what I always do with foolscap pads, notebooks blah as a practice. It was only today when I saw those 2 pieces of scrap paper (11th Oct and 13th) and pasted them on the pad that I noticed that wow, yes O_O But it created a minor OCD madness because the leaving-a-blank-page-practice is now broken for the first time.
I did not start this diary on purpose— it wasn’t a decisive decision that jerked me to action— it was more like a gradual and inevitable process since I have always scribbled notes on scraps of paper when I get really emotionally charged.
One thing is that I need a medium to keep track of things better and which allows me a flow-of-consciousness style of writing which will swallow this blog in whole sooner or later due to mundanity— as if this post wasn’t mundane enough. But the material inside are really homogeneous, with little variations. I write in it up to 3 times a day and you can see that the 1st post will be a blue one (or where I feel that I fail absolutely as a person and I’m pathetic and I don’t deserve to live), the 2nd one will be where I feel that I wasn’t so blue after all (usually after engaging in some mundane affairs that does not give me enough time to think about my state) and I’m so pathetic for being that way and the 3rd one will be the normal one (which might tend towards being blue but I’ll convince myself that it will not be that way— much like the conclusion of an argumentative essay). I feel like I am losing myself to instinct recently— whatever happens is not and will not be planned, they just flow out of my head. What’s with me (say it in a dull voice without passion, not expecting an answer).
Another thing is that I need somewhere where I can talk about things that will get me unwanted attention if said anywhere else in the province of the internet. I’m sure my concept of ‘unwanted attention’ is a very dull one and you will not agree with it. And also, I’ve realised that I am getting increasingly private as a person so this is a natural course to undertake.
And also, I’ve observed that the positiveness of my mood is proportionate to the number of TOS Star Trek episodes I watch per day. And the number of posts is inversely proportional to the positive quality and quantity of activities concerning interactions with humans that day. For example, I didn’t write anything yesterday because I was really occupied. I will not write here what I did yesterday because it will bring in ‘unwanted attention’.
And I’m half-convincing myself that its my mood. Something trivial and transient and I must be pathetic for thinking otherwise. Doesn’t make a difference what it is actually— it is what it is.
You will have noticed if you’ve been around enough that I seldom mention people in here— if they were mentioned, it would be almost the same as not having been mentioned at all— only facts are being mentioned. Its not that I don’t feel for anyone, its quite the opposite sometimes but I just don’t feel comfortable mentioning things that are potentially transient on the web which immortalises everything. By ‘transient’, I mean that feelings and thoughts change— not in the sense of negative and positive, but in the sense of maturity. I do not want to tie people down to this moment in time. People live their own lives, not in mine.