[This post does not really make sense because my brain was sleeping when I wrote this, just take note.]
So the exams are technically over quite a long time ago but there’s apparently more things to do. I do not know which I prefer— studying for exams or doing whole lots of PW, planning for CIP, writing articles for Publications, planning for 2010 recruitment for Publications. Studying for exams is ironically, easier. I think. I don’t mind doing a paper everyday. It’s more structured and predictable than trying to swallow a variety of junk that takes time to do you good.
I’m just blabbering here. Nowadays, I blabber when I write, a sort of flow-of-consciousness style, in a bad way because I feel like I can’t control my mind. Its just spitting things out and I can’t really keep track of them. Eh, this sounds like mania in bipolar disorder— an overactive mind of some sort. But no way. If I had mania, I will be over the moon. I don’t mean that I have depression though. Well, I just feel weird but there’s no other ways to be so I technically shouldn’t feel weird.
And the reason why I am left here (physically at this place using the computer—It is 10 am, Friday, 9 Oct btw, so please do not misinterpret if you were to) is because this certain person and his/her kind cannot be depended on. Or maybe I chose the wrong person to follow on the way out. Either way, I do not wish to be too close to this person, if it were ever possible because I think we will never be. At least I will never allow myself to be. S/he is one of the people who desperately need to get past the stage of ‘growing up’. There are 3 kinds of people: the grown-ups, the growing-ups and the never-grows-ups.
The first and last are alright, the second one needs to wipe himself/herself off the surface of the planet as soon as possible and convert to either the first or the last. S/he does not even know *the negative aspects of his/her character*. And that peeves me the most— the lack of awareness and lack of concern for thinking about the impact of doing certain things to others, or maybe, s/he is just not able to think in the right way.
I am aware that I might not make a lot of sense right now and there might be some logical loopholes because my mind is sleeping right now and I’m just typing and typing.
I really do not want to see the person, but then again, I think I need to accept people more or rather, not be so ‘picky’. Whatever right—- most relationships (applying to me) will come to this annoying stage so I’d might as well stick on if I do not want to be kept out of the fence of all households. Cliche says that nobody is perfect. I don’t think I am too— so why must I base people on myself? On how they adhere (connect) to me. It might probably be more ‘imperfect’ for that to happen. But then again, I am advocating something subjective not objective and that is prone to criticisms. Ah whatever, logic is absent for now, my brain is still snoozing.
But then again, am I seeking for perfection? Not really. I am seeking for basic survival. Well then maybe basic survival is my perfection. Ah yada yada. I really wish to banish myself from these *all*. And it is times like this that I realise that I’m not the only few people in this world who feel this way. Just go to INTJ forum and search for forum threads on subject matters like ‘are you alone’ (I do not want to link it here for fear for being tracked by the pingback, why I fear it, I do not know. I just do not want to deal with any attention whatsoever.)
Alright, an internet *friend* (not a friend, it’s a shady person but still okay) is talking to me and I have lost the mood or momentum to continue this post. Flow-of-consciousness disrupted.
Okay, I think if I were to read this again, I’ll find it really weird so I shall not. Just bear in mind that I was not really conscious when I wrote this. Ciao.