I was on my way home, waiting for the bus, on the bus, waiting for my stop, reached my stop, walking home. I was and maybe am feeling the lowest in a long time– lowest in a hard-to-figure-out way. And when I am feeling this way, I write it out on my cellphone’s message drafts and although I don’t feel that what I wrote represented me and might even be a little humiliating, I shall type it all here.
“I haven’t written something depressing in a long time so here I go. I chose everything in my life so why am I feeling this way. I chose to be sad, to be alone, to feel hopeless but not enough to die. I chose to live, to treat this as a game, to play this game so why am I not immune. Why do I still experience this.
I read about existentialism and felt good but sank back down again. Who cares about a philosophy? well even if I do, I’ll still be this way, the cloud will override what’s left. I’m for all to feast upon. I don’t feel like eating, I have no appetite, for food, for drinking water, for speaking, for walking, for bearing physical emotions for appearing like a human, for living. But not for life.
As I am writing this on the bus, I ask myself if the person beside me were to be reading and ask if I were alright. Then I asked myself if this was what I really want. When this question is asked, it normally entails a no and here it goes: no. I’ll eventually find the person hard to maintain and.
And I watch the tv on the bus and its such a different place. I wish to be there. But can I sustain a life there. Probably not. And I did not buy any food I usually buy at this time and place of the day because I feel bad. When I feel bad I don’t do physical things to make it better. I only do happy things when I’m happy. I want the world to go away but its not their fault.
Now I doubt whether the person did me any good 3 years back. I don’t mind being myself in the past past past again. But then again, is it possible to remain as such. I wish that something not of my doing comes and kill me. I am grateful in advance. It is impossible to remain with all who behave like each other.”
I initially thought that I don’t feel it anymore but it came back or was there all the time just that I didn’t know. Or that because something at home triggered it. Definitely the latter. I’m sorry but it is. If I am received differently, it would be different. Okay I shall stop because it is not value-adding and there’s a test tomorrow and I need to release these emotions somewhere else in a physical way involving tissues.
I wish to be so, so alone. Why do you ask why am I always alone? You think its a sad thing? You think others will it upon me? Unfortunately not. I chose it upon myself.