I am feeling very bad now. Section2 shall be without mental friends and confidants. These few weeks/months of mental interactions with the external world have confused me. I do not feel whole as a person. I feel infringed. There’s someone knocking on the door all the time. There’s someone passing by the windows all the time. And I need to wave, and I need to say something pleasant and I need to be genuine. I feel mutilated and capricious. And I need to live up to ‘myself’— who they think I am— like a caged animal in the zoo— as a monkey, I need to behave like one, its my job, or else I will be thrown out— because I don’t act like what a monkey is supposed to act like; I’m too lethargic, I need to jump around more; no one likes to see a monkey like that. I feel breathless and choked up in the chest.
And I wondered why I wanted to become a monkey in the first place. I don’t need bananas? I don’t need lodging? I don’t need people staring at me with flashes all the time? I don’t need what you think I need. And that was why I wasn’t a monkey in the first place. So why did I reverse that? Why did I decide to become a monkey again? Because I wanted to become more humane? More fit for the society to digest and consume? I do not need those if all it does is to make it worse.
And it is. Too much clutter. Too many people. Too unpredictable. Too much tension. The expectations. And I see myself being redefined. I dislike it being out of control. I am afraid of unpredictable identities. The other humans scare me. I do not want to hate people— I would rather suspend judgement and leave it there.
With that, Section2 loosens all the strings that are mentally reachable in my mind and lets go of the strings that Section2 had wanted to bring in closer earlier on. I do not cut them because frayed ends are hard to handle. I need to clear my mind. The clutter’s covering up myself.
Section2 shall not have anymore socially-related motives nor desires.