Went to NUS law school campus for an economics book launch.

I like my new economics teacher and the people I went with were great— maybe surprisingly? Shouldn’t have worried about such situations— about meeting people I might be awkward with. I misinterpret myself sometimes.

It got me rethinking (because I was talking to this guy) about what I want to do in the future actually (not in a positive way like “Oh my, I’m inspired.”— but in a “Do I really want to do this?” way.) Do I really want it that badly enough? Or, do I really want ANYTHING bad enough? I think the way my brain is wired currently does not allow that to take place. Stripped of ability to experience passion.

I think I want it back. I want it back— without the ‘I think’. Life without it is so inconvenient. There are some things where pure logic is not enough to drive a person on. Especially life itself. I should be passionate about life— because it is illogical to live.

And I am now convicted that my mind is quite genderless— I act like a female because it is more normal for me to do so. I do not act like a male because I look like a female. No reasons other than that. I think my hormones are quite messed up right now. Have I turned into a machine?

A logic/pragmatic machine?!

Sigh. I don’t know. And I don’t know if its a good thing or bad thing— more like I am not programmed to think about it.

What do I do then?

I’m not that great a machine either— not perfect at all— quite a failed one in the land of machines.

Wait, but do I really want to be driven by something out of logic’s grasp?

I don’t know. Sigh.

WHY AM I ALWAYS GETTING INTO THIS KIND OF CRISIS?! Just when I think everything’s working out fine— out pops a spanner. But the good thing is— everything turns out even better after that.