I really need to change the way I react with people and the varying degrees of social encounters— from taking the lift and buying lunch to the-larger-ones. I think I qualify as an internet stalker. E.g. I do not really talk to you or know you in real life but I know who your closest friends are, your favourite colour, what music you like to listen to, where you go to cut your hair, what you did yesterday morning, what kind if stores you go to buy your clothes, how annoying your sibling is and I’ve probably read every single archived posts on your blog and your friends’— other than that, I think I have looked through your information on all relevant social networking websites. (But what I care more are the deeper things— if I revisit your blog, you’re deemed ‘worthy’ to me; you normally discuss about existential issues or have a not-so-shallow personality.)
All undeliberately and most of the time coincidentally (just happened to have stumbled upon his/her blog/something else). It’s just natural for me to do all that— with no intentions at all but to know that certain person better than I might otherwise be able to do so in real life (and this is a subconscious intention. I don’t browse through webpages with the explicit intention to conduct espionage.).
And this applies to many people— not just one or two. I guess my candidates are the ones that I think lead double lives— inner and outer. Or ones whom I do not really know about and do not have the chance to do so in real life.
And these aren’t helping things. I often feel very awkward around with these people—whom I have extensive knowledge of. I think this is because I have already formulated my own opinions about them on the net— and I am not supposed to because I’m just an acquaintance, or less than an acquaintance for some. Some of them are those who really lead double lives (like me)— these are the people who are the hardest to handle in real life because hey, this is incongruous with the person I ‘know’ about and I really do not know how to deal with that person for some reasons.
And I find myself analysing every single thing the person does— trying to unravel the ‘real’ person I saw. And sometimes, at this stage, I might find myself drawing connections between the person and myself and here is where ultimate awkwardness set in. The person is distorted to something else other than himself/herself.
Thesis statement: The more the person is chewed and re-chewed in my mind, the more awkward I am with the person.
And how do I explain my awkwardness when purely buying something from a supermarket counter or my lunch or approaching a librarian? In short, I am awkward in all situations that require eye contact. ALL. Not a generalisation. Everyone. Though some lesser than others— if you are not bothered by my awkwardness, I don’t feel awkward (maybe only to a very little degree) with you. And these constitutes 4 people currently in the entire mass of humans I’ve encountered.
Or maybe more— I find older people and complete strangers easier to ‘handle’. Acquintances are the hardest. I’LL RUN AWAY FROM THEM ANYTIME, NOOOOO. Thinking about it makes me sick.
Even if I can’t eventually deal with my awkwardness with certain people, I need to solve the daily ones. Being awkward when buying a loaf of bread or purchasing stationaries is unforgivable.