Having a younger brother when you’re at an age where you are sensible enough to analyse sheds light on many delightful things. You get to see your childhood replay before you and many things which were distorted in the past by immaturity and emotions now become clear.

And as I watch my brother frustrate over the amount of assessment books and ‘recreational activities’ (like piano) he has to do and commit to, I knew how the start of my depression came about. Here’s the process where it became clear:

1. Brother rebels and throws a tantrum (I would say its a valid tantrum for someone his age).

2. (Since I can’t make a difference in that situation— not like I want to, I start to analyse). I knew that in a few years’ time, he’ll know that rebelling against them is useless and he’ll stop. He’ll start to find ways to circumvent that. E.g., if he were not allowed to use the computer— he’ll start to sneak there at night, or use them in cyber cafes or in friends’ houses. He’ll get his way eventually (that’s something I’m REALLY good at and the many years of suppression has gave me this gift of circumventing authority when needed.).

But he’ll eventually know that many cases can’t be dealt with in that same way.

And he’ll start to absorb everything into himself since he can’t do otherwise and he’ll analyse and reanalyse and cry over them and self-pity and helplessness will set in. And so will depression.

When introspection begins, everything will be converted to an idea larger than what they actually are and experiences will get grouped together and this entire lump will be the cause of the destruction.

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What my parents intend is that their children ADOPT the mentality that they choose. They think that that needs to be drove into our heads and it will be lodged there. All these came from the refusal/inability to acknowledge that we’re individuals and even if I’m arguing that we’re born with a relatively blank slate— certain fixed psychological elements are present throughout. A child will never appreciate what you appreciate and the cliche ‘when you’re older, you’ll learn to appreciate’ is true— BUT THAT’S WHEN YOU’RE OLDER.

Not at that time. Its different. And treating someone as an individual MUCH older is dangerous to his/her  mental health although treating him/her as someone a little older is necessary for his/her development.

For me, I’ve went through the phase of circumventing authority to absorbing everything and now, I do practice those 2 too with an additional one that’s the most workable— that I become the person that my parents want me to be externally so I can have the mental freedom to be who I choose. And by appeasing them, I am free from them. I can achieve mental independence of the highest level.

So my parents are the root cause of my depression (when you absorb everything into your system)? Definitely. But I’m not blaming them for it nor when I say ‘parents’, I mean the societal construction of ‘parents’. To me, they’re just objects that determine the lives of objects that have  arrived into the world later than they have.

And it is hard for me to imagine a family exists where no one shouts or gets angry every other minute. To be very honest, I hate this place a lot. It really cramps me. And I can never imagine living with those people for an additional few years of my life— and if this happens, I absorb and excrete this out of my system. But I do not hate them— they can’t be any other ways and they ‘mean well’ (I hate it when peope claim that they ‘mean well’. If you mean well and eventually screw things up, it DOES NOT MATTER A SINGLE BIT.). As individuals, I’m sure they’re great people judging by their relationships with others but when they come under this unit called a ‘family’, the worst side of themselves show.

And I want to be free from this unit— not because of the people. This will be something that they’ll never understand again. Speaking of being ‘filial’, I can give them all they want (that is why I need a job which provides me with sufficient capital) but emotionally, I really do not want to/am unable to be involved.

Essentially, they explain everything of myself today— so I’m their product. And if I’m proud of my mental state, I should be proud of them. But am I? I do not really think so (the doubtful tone is because there are many grey areas which would take another essay-length post to explain). My mental state is unhealthy as many have said but that’s the only way for me to live normally.

This is also why I’m doubtful of having and raising children and the concept of ‘families’. I do not want to destroy another person’s/a group of peole’s lives.

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