Yesterday, I had a (substandard) philosophical discourse with this ENTJ whom I rather adore. It seems like whenever dialogues like this take place, it will inevitably progress onto a discussion about my mental state– something that everyone seems to be inexplicably surprised/shocked/terrified/any forms of emotion describing a radical departure from normalcy. And I somehow like the fact that someone else in this world knows me better– apart from the surface that everyone sees. Somehow, while I would like people to acknowledge that I’m normal, recognize that I’m not (according to societal norms).
I never think about these things when I’m alone now– only when I’m having one of those dialogues. And several interesting things surfaced yesterday.
1. I would be more likely to kill myself if I were left on an island with someone or a small group of people than alone. I feel more ‘crowded’ in the midst of a person or two rather than a world of them. I do not want to be forced to commit into anything.
2. When crossing the road and a car comes my way, I will dodge it to the best of my ability but wouldn’t mind death as a result as well.
There are certainly more that I might have failed to remember. These all made a lot of sense to me but not to her. I’ve become so used to myself that my standard of norms is a radical departure from society’s. Even now, I do not find myself abnormal.
And at the end of the 1.5 hours of dialogue which had little or no pauses (something which I hold extreme regard for since I am known for killing conversations if they existed in the first place), she said ‘thanks’ before she said ‘bye’. I don’t know why I felt this strange (but positive) feeling in me upon hearing the former word.
What have I offered her?
Its those instances that I feel alive and existing.