Quote of the day: “Before I met my husband, I’d never fallen in love. I’d stepped in it a few times.” – Rita Rudner
For some reasons, I found this extremely hilarious.
Since everything’s so mashed up, I shall blog in point form according to which floats up to the surface of my mind first.
1. Holiday and reason for unproductiveness; bro’s sick
My holidays have been quite unproductive, but that comes with a reason (to me it’s justified but objectively and reasonably speaking, it’s not one). My brother’s been running a fever for 2 days and I have to stay at home with him (shall not go into the details, it’s just very time-consuming, if not, I cannot concentrate on actual work). I sincerely hope that he will be alright tomorrow. As a child, I never have such fevers going on. I have fevers for at most a day or two and I never whine about it nor do I want anyone to attend to me. And I’m never sick for more than twice a year— mostly just once a year for my entire life.
I’m not saying that my brother is spoilt but he is a product of parents who have a tendency to spoil children— note that there is a difference. There’s still something in my brother that still retains something that has not come out of the hardwiring. And I’m grateful for that.
2. My bro and how parenting has an effect on him
To see my brother grow enlightens me in many ways about my childhood. He hates/is very scared of chili because my parents gave that impression of chili to him. Similarly, he is scared of heights because my parents warned him of the dangers of ascending 1-metre tall playground slides when he was younger. He is also scared of bugs of all kinds because they are allegedly out to bite him whenever he’s in sight. And he liked eating medicine because they were said to be ‘good’ to him and that they taste ‘nice’— this was because he had to consume some herb-based medicine that’s god-awfully bitter. And it amazed (actually not amazed) me how he could swallow it unflinchingly and even agree that it tasted nice after that.
But this influence has gradually dwindled because of larger external influences (i.e. kindergarten and the sweet preferring habit). Very soon, he will be like me— demonstrating duo personalities in order to fit in into this world and the tiny corner in the universe called home.
For me, I have already shed most of the opinion-based indoctrination, but some behavioural ones which the society doesn’t condemn is still in place within me. And phobias are especially hard to rid and you have a tendency to think that it orgininated from yourself.
I think he will be an ExTJ when he’s older. Either way, it’s a really good personality type (the majority of both types go very far in life and have a guaranteed place in the society as I’ve observed). S if he doesn’t rebel against what’s ‘taught’ to him, N if he does. The moderately shaky one will be the ‘E’– he’s a strong E now but it all depends on one’s surroundings. For example, I was an extreme E until I got to secondary school.
3. Not an S as I thought when I was younger
And in the recent past, I’ve discovered that I should be an xNxJ when I was younger (The revelation came in the form of anecdotes which randomly appeared as a flashback)— not the submissive and silly SxJ that I thought I was. And I thought I was quite intriguing a subject too. So essentially, I’m still very much in common with who I was when I was younger. For example, when I was 9, my grandma was giving me a spelling test and being the lazy person (not offensive at all. Both my parents and all her relatives who aren’t disillusioned endorse this and many other adjectives with negative traits) she was, she told me to write only the ones which I don’t know.
Of course, I knew what she meant— like, write only the ones you aren’t familiar with, if you don’t know, then just tell her. But I was disturbed because of the lack of enforcement although that ‘policy’ is advantageous to me. What if I were such brat (I wasn’t) and I were to lie to her that I knew every single word? And so I argued with her about that and it ended with a door being slammed. And there were many other instances in my childhood where I had extremely strong and seemingly righteous views about things which I stand up to and guard them to death. I still do that now but if the strong opinions do not pay off in the end (and they often do not, so you don’t see that trait showing up), I do not impose it upon others. And of course, many other instances which I don’t have the time to relate.
I was very glad because of this discovery.
4. I’m someone who’s now capable of hurt
(Not directing this to anything nor anyone who knows that this place exists (I think and I hope so)— lest I’m misunderstood by other fellow human beings who read too much into it)
I’ve turned into someone that certain people can really hate— people who are ‘close’ (up to the reader to define what’s close) to me. I’m very sorry about it (although I can do nothing about it) and I do not mean it all the time (not even most of the time, it’s ALL). That is just me. I have no personal agenda behind everything I do that has yet already been revealed. I just don’t seem to attend to some things right now as much as I did earlier on (that’s the problem of situations or relationships lasting across personality changes). If anything, this is impossible to fix (if there’s anything wrong with it in the first place) so do not attempt (because it wouldn’t work) because it’s not the anything nor anyone’s responsibility for the current state but mine. Only changes from my side can be made but I can’t and very sorry, but I won’t because I’m very happy with who I am right now and this is one of the only periods in my life where I’m certain that I’ve achieved equilibrium.
5. Awkwardness and MBTI
I’m sinking very deep into intj-ness. One clear indicator is the level of awkwardness I carry with myself. I no longer have the overwhelming confidence (but disillusioned) I have when I was an infp. But the compensation is that I blend in well better and I know my priorities very well. I do not regret this transition though (although I would say this process is unintentional).
6. The Holiday
I must cherish this holiday.