And today marks an ambiguous closure between piano and I.

All my 3 pieces were okay. I’m expecting an average of at least 24 or 25 (which is okay for my expectations this time) although I could have done so much better.

My scales instantaneously decomposed upon meeting the examiner— I had to replay about half the entire scales section that I was tested on.

My aural could have fared better if I had left it to probability and flipped a coin instead.

And when I thought that my sightreading was the saviour of the day, I realized at the third last bar that I had misread the key signature and forgot about the F#.

That was when I pronounced myself dead. Its almost like an anti-climax that existed to taunt me. Should I be happier if I had not realised that fact?

Ambiguous because I fear I might not have passed >_< and had to retake (but I’m not signing up for the June/July exams and that is the only one I can take before I have to change the 3 pieces and experience the cycle all over again, so I guess deep inside, I still think that I have passed). And then again, I had higher expectations of myself this time as I’ve practised really hard and my teacher had also expected at least a merit or a high pass from me.

Ambiguous also because it just feels weird how something that has been in your life for 9 years is now.. ‘gone’? In actual fact, its only the exams that are gone, but I feel that the *piano* is gone instead. <— That’s how negative the effects exams have on instrument playing.

You associate the instrument with the exams and it really drives away the passion.