For the first time from January, I’m experiencing an inertia to study. Its physics lecture test tomorrow. Or perhaps my judgement of myself is unfounded because I’ve finished the concerned chapter from all my assessment books. But the thing is, I still don’t completely understand them. I’m not stable with scalars and vectors, a slight twist of the question will render me handicapped. I’m ‘uncertain’ with uncertainties although I do eventually get them right. I must say I’m quite okay with physical quantities— but everyone else is!

And tonight at 8pm, my piano teacher’s coming over for an hour-long session. And I have yet edited the KI essay structure assignment. I just can’t bring myself to do it. Piano exam next tuesday, KI essay next wednesday, math lecture test the following week. But at least after piano (I’ll be bading goodbye to piano thereafter) and KI essay, I’ll be SO RELIEVED. In a way, I’m looking forward to the craziness because that’s the only way I can emerge from it.

I’m blogging now because I can’t get started on physics. I hope this could serve as a bridge for me. I’m terribly worried about tomorrow and its partially responsible for crippling me. Not to forget— Decartes discussion in KI tomorrow and I’m supposed to read up on it (although I did last year in my leisure, it wasn’t the same text). Feeling like an utter failure although consciously I know I’m not and I have progressed quite a lot.

I resolve to:

1. Make sense of ALL the physics topics by tonight (meaning the time at which I sleep)
2. Read up on KI and finish the essay structure no matter what
3. Piano

I find that I have become extremely ‘commonplace’ and largely unlike who I am just a few months back. But I induced this change anyway and after long periods of role-playing, I have become my character. This would be the best time of my life though, where everything necessary gets done. Its easier following the standards of what society values and when nothing matters to you intrinsically, you no longer have the need to attend to that part of yourself. Have I degenerated? I don’t think so. I’ve just placed a barricade between the past and the current. And I am no longer that eager to seek for an opportunity to show others my past and judge me as a whole. An appearance is good enough for this shallow society.

But I’m still metacognitive and aware. Everything else can be twisted into anything else deemed fit.