Recently, I have mental breakdowns over the slightest things. And at the same time, performance-wise, this is about one of the best moments of my life. But instead of feeling euphoric, I feel more upset than anything else. But I deny being depressed. Saying that is almost a blasphemy to me.
Which is why I have not been blogging for a long time. I find myself not being able to blog negatively. And this reminds me of how I desperately need someone to talk to only when I have really good news. When I have bad ones, I shut up altogether and hide in an unseen corner.
I never seek advice for my problems much and I don’t want them, unless I know the person well enough to know that his/her comments would be constructive. Most of the time when I’m offered advice, I find myself critisizing the person’s judgement and I have to clarify over and over again that something and something else is not the case. This gets me argumentative and tired and causes me to withdraw further.
I have been very cranky for the last few days and am in one of those I-hate-everyone kind of moods (shan’t go into why) but I refuse to blog/talk about it (to the wrong people, that is) because its so childish when you misunderstand where I’m coming from. But I do hate everyone. Even the ones I don’t indirectly hate, they’re linked to a wider cause that I’ll hate for sure. (<—I agree a lot with what I wrote.)
But at the same time, I’m not revealing/expressing my hatred much so its useless stating/knowing this. Its unproductive hating everyone. Same with liking everyone, that is even more unproductive. I don’t think I really like myself that much either so I’m totally entitled to express my hatred to the entire mankind. And anyway, it wouldn’t make a difference to the world if I adore it or detest it. The tides still remain the same, the seasons would rotate as usual, all separate from my passion for the world or the lack of it.
Just typing off my head and I’m incapable of thinking about the meaning and consequences of my words right now.