Was back yesterday.
Many things happened on the trip, or maybe a lot of things happened to my mind on the trip because physically, there isn’t much. These 5 days had magically turned my life around, not because it was what-happened-on-the-trip per say, its more like whole-family-away-from-home-for-a-relatively-long-time. It kinda polished the dull away from the first half of this holiday in a way that I magically don’t think like that anymore because I haven’t been doing that for 5 days.
This year’s trip was alright, I give it a 8/10, which is far more than I’ve rated anything else or anyone else. While on the trip, I can’t believe that I’m not dreading it, since if you physically look at it, 50% of it comprises of looking at temples and temples on impossibly high hills that require a lot of ascending. I figured that I had not expected anything from this trip, I went there like it was just another day, which is probably the attitude my mind has decided to apply to everything else. And I told my mom that I was relatively happy (clear skies), but that if she’d ask me if I’m having fun, I’ll give her a definite no.
What I love about this trip is the nature of trips away from home. I loved how I do not need to tend to things I needed to tend to in a normal life. But most importantly, it was a guided trip and my whole family was on board, so it rules out the dread of going to trips alone and having to sigh on the last day about meeting the same ol’ people in the same ol’ house once again. And because it was guided, no one has to make any life-changing decisions so 50% of the quarrels are rendered redundant. So basically, in those 5 days, I’m just maintaining an unconscious existence. I love how everything’s planned and completed for me and how I can walk around close eyed. I love the security it brings.
On the other hand, that’s the total opposite of who my mind thinks I am in the recent past (I don’t think about it anymore). It mainly refreshes, I’m not expecting and do not want an eternal life like that. I would go crazy and too much of something isn’t good. And my ‘too much’ is very little compared to most. Another thing is, my family’s identity is completely different from mine. When ascribed a group identity I can’t change, I tend not to fight against it if I can’t ‘win’. So I just stuck to it and although it sucked, it didn’t really matter because I wouldn’t be meeting those people on the bus ever again excluding coincidental encounters. Note that the family identity isn’t only psychological, it also includes the opposite.
I’m not using an electron microscope to everything I see and I’m not blowing the problem of the family identity up and I’m not complaining about it. I totally accept it, just that I feel cramped about how people are seeing ‘me’ who’s 100% not the actual self. The 100% was not an instrument of exaggeration. If those people met me alone in real life, they would be thinking that they’re seeing a total different person. I shan’t go into the details about how I acted.
And I felt a sense of dread for this one thing: There was this guy around the same age as me on the bus, with his mom only. They were sitting two rows apart. The guy either was extremely depressed or was just a side-effect of the teenage years. He took no interest in anything, didn’t get off the bus at most stops where we get down to see some touristy attractions (which I admit were dull), he didn’t speak and occupied his time while he was with his mother looking pissed off. Its a funny thing his mother allowed him to take on this attitude while at the same time not neglecting him.
I find the guy interesting. I find everyone interesting if I can’t figure them out totally, which means this guy is very interesting because there’s absolutely no factual things I can base my deductions of him on but I mentally denied my interest because I wouldn’t be seeing this person after those 5 days so its better not to keep something that’s totally gone hanging in your mind.
So why the dread? I was hoping that I could get a chance to talk to him and actually find out what the hell happened or what the hell didn’t happened and maybe resolve it or maybe just add some life into his life because of my not-minding-my-own-business nature. But well, I didn’t speak to him and it was a total regret, but an unfounded one because I think even with a much longer period of time, I wouldn’t do so as well. He looked unapproachable (I suppose I look like that too, blah) and with my identity attached to my family, it isn’t really an appropriate picture to paint (I won’t go into why). I basically regret it totally.
Here’s what I know of him:
1. His mom went on the trip before and was bringing him along this time. Deduction: It means that his mom was specifically arranging this trip for him. Something out of the ordinary must have happened for this to take place.
2. From his actions, he does not like his mom and want to distance himself away from her.
3. His mom seemed extremely tolerant of her son’s avoidant behaviour and at some points, she looked like she thought that it was natural for him to react like that.
So what I could deduce from all these is that something happened and its family related, eg. a divorce or someone in his family dying. But he is not being depressed over that certain event, he just didn’t like how his mom is reacting to all that (arranging a trip), he didn’t like how his mom thought that he needed it and his dislike for his mom was already entrenched before that certain event took place. Another thing is that his temperament is naturally this way.
If I deduced something and that something could be verified, I would of course be dying to know the answer. And this is what that’s happening. Another thing is that I always had a penchant for damaged people and I admit that I would have liked this fella as a friend because I see a lot of similarities (more like my past self). But there are probably millions of duplicates of him around the world and I would have liked each of them all the same (this is the argument I give to this kind of situations).
The next post would be made in continuation about how my mind ‘forces’ myself to believe in spiritual things willingly.