I like Blonde Redhead’s band shots. They look like they’re in the midst of doing something. And the something that they’re doing is one that’s silent— a quiet understanding. It makes me think of euthanasia and of someone in his/her last days, staring out of the fogged windows into the plain, grey skies.

Looking at them makes me wonder if life’s like a dream to them. Because looking at them, you would think exactly that. I created 23huisclos as someone took huisclos. 23 is from Blonde Redhead as well as Jimmy Eat World and there’s something about that number that makes me feel settled yet uncomfortable.

Today’s just like any other days nowadays. I feel like I’m in bed with eyes half-open, looking through my lashes such that my eyes look closed to anyone looking while in fact I’m lazily watching. Good thing is that I can shut my eyes at will and no difference would be observed.

I’m tired of this all. This social structure, the way people should act, the way the world goes around. Its not that I’m depressed, I found out. Its just one of the times where I need change to come but sadly, this one’s impossible. What I’m looking at is getting humans to bark to communicate and people to ignore each other as a sign of respect. A kind of topsy turvy world with rules re-written. Not entirely impossible— if only buildings were lego blocks that could be rearranged to construct a Great Egyptian Pyramids one day and The Great Wall of China the next and if only people were as changeaphilic or stagnaphobic as me. In other words, flexible. In other words, impossible, just a secret hideaway I always go to occupy myself instead of sighing to myself.

The other day when I was out eating with my parents, I saw this boy, around the age of 10-11. The way he was to his parents was just like how I was when I was 14. The silent, reserved but repulsed look on his face, as if victimized, but in full knowledge that if he were to act according to his feelings, things would get a lot worse and provided that he had exhausted all his energy. He didn’t speak a word the entire time he was there. I could tell he hated eating those things his parents scooped into his bowl but he made no effort to refuse and his parents were just like mine— giving him the best bits and offering them in large quantities. No one spoke but everyone seemed comfortable by themselves.

Its like a struggle between 2 feelings and no one won. I didn’t know how he could have got that kind of gaze in his eyes so young. I wonder what he would be when he was older.

For me, I have not only pulled on a mask but have pulled on a shirt, a pair of jeans, coat, hat and shoes to make myself visible for my soul has pulled out of operation. Its beyond sadness, beyond what I can think of to say. I’m a destroyed person but I’m not keen to demonstrate that as many others did. Neither am I keen to prove that I’m not. A floating existence.

The entire Life is a game because even if you win, it means nothing, it only means a win in the game. You may then want to question, so what really matters? Where’s the real ‘life’? So if this Game of the Games where all games congregate to produce a final result matters but the games we play that’s ranked irrelevant to this huge Game doesn’t, then is there a Game of the Game of the Games which is the one which actually matters? But those who have concluded this like I did often buckle into a state of non-existence. A way to get out of this destructive mindset is to conclude that unless a Game of the Game of the Games is found, one shall focus on the Game of the Games as the one that really matters because its simply not helpful imagining things this way.

The main object for this game to be easier is for the subject is to not see it as a game because when you get bored or frustrated with the game, you’ll think that getting out of it is no big deal and that’s what we term as death. I often feel this way but currently, I can see no easy way to get out of this game so I’ve decided to just win in this for the sake of winning and that’s just about what ‘motivates’ (or rather keeps me from propelling myself away from the edge) me in life.

That’s all for today. I have to go to the Flyer for CIP soon and I have to play piano and the O’s HCL is coming. Writing here in my blog is like speaking to my bathroom mirror, literally. I do that all the time.

Advertisements