I’m a lucid dreamer, meaning I can ‘control’ my dreams. I don’t really fancy this ability, and I do nothing to induce it.

I remember this one dream (only part of it) where I was with my brother and mother, I don’t know where it is (I forgot) and I don’t know how we came to be in that state (I forgot too). My brother began beating mom up, and mom, powerless,  told him to stop. I went in and pushed him into a corner and we started fighting. Then a gun appeared out of nowhere and I lunged in immediately to save it from his grip, but he secured it first.

Then he started shooting mom and I didn’t know what to do, I could only shout– How can you do this to your mom? Why did you do this? I was half crying, because I really didn’t know what to do. Should I run and save myself? Or should I protect mom? I just stood there and.. and..

I never knew how a gunshot feels like, I wondered how death feels like.

Then he turned on to me, I forgot where he hit me, but it wasn’t anywhere fatal, my hands, my legs. They feel like needle pricks, extra hard ones. I thought I wouldn’t have been so scared if I didn’t know they were bullets.

That’s when I woke up, because I needed to go to the toilet, from the start of the episode, which seemed so long when I wrote it here, but lasted for a mere minute. That’s perhaps the reason why I only remembered this part of the episode– because I lucid dreamed, that’s what they say. Its funny, at the start of this recount, I was quite ‘awake’, at least I judge myself to be. I had wanted to go to the toilet, my bladder is full, I’m really urgent, but I told myself to ‘finish dreaming’ first. But I didn’t ‘finish’ and I wanted to know the end after that.

They always have these cliches on TV where people pinch themselves to show that they’re not in a dream, but I always feel pain in my dreams, as well as, other sensations. I feel involved in those brutal incidents.

There was also one 2 days back when I watched someone (I think I forgot who was it, but I think its my brother) suicide. For some reasons, I knew he was going to do it at the moment and positioned myself at the ground floor. I watched him fell from above and hit the ground, I was beside him, but nothing happened to him, only his right hand (hand, not including wrist, arm or anything) was hurt. There was blood. He could move it, nothing else was hurt. He just stood up and I asked dispassionately if he was alright, he said he was, without any sign of depression or anything like that and that was the end of the episode.

It was a lucid dream, but I didn’t get any sense out of it when I woke up. I didn’t know why he jumped. I didn’t ask why. And I didn’t feel anything, sad, happy, shock. It was almost theatrical but it seemed so natural in the dream.

I’m not a dream fanatic, I don’t spent hours analyzing my dreams, but the first dream say something about me. I’m selfish, I’m not willing to sacriface but at the same time, I don’t leave people alone, just jumbled up. Its true.

Its true.

If there’s a sentence to describe me these days, its “I don’t know what to do.”

But don’t get me wrong, I’m not suicidal (right now) and am not really depressed, I just feel detached from myself, but I’ll talk about that thing the next post.

Can I ask You something? Do you feel pain in your dreams? Or think in your dreams? Like introspection and all? I just wanna know if its normal.

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