You know this funny feeling of helplessness and mockery when you see history repeating itself in others? I’m just seeing the exact thing happening again and again  but I can’t do nothing. Ever heard of the serial killer? He who commits time and again. You were killed but you are powerless to raise a hand to clutch that knife. Its such a paradox that you can stop things from progressing when you’re dead as well. This world is crazy, it just shakes me to think of that poor lil’ girl who’s dying. History, history, what a tricky thing you are. I just have this problematic complex of helping everyone in need, like the blind man whom I spent 2-3 hours with browsing through CNY cds he wanted to purchase. But at least I learnt something, I learnt to treasure life and not treat everything as a given.

Life is such a coincidental affair. Today I’m sitting here because of years of luck, not being killed by the car that zoomed past me when I flipped a coin to jaywalk, not having to tolerate birth defects and terminal illnesses when I emerged into this world. Perhaps a more realistic account would do the job. Remember the times you’ve got gastric? Have you every wondered at those moments how you wished you were well, like all other days? I had and began to further myself by questioning what do normal days mean? To you it might mean a day of video games and TV, to people in third world, it might mean another day of competition, for food and shelter or to handicaps who are gradually getting used to their condition.

But anyhow or other, these days are the norm for all. To those kids in third world, they don’t sympathise with their own conditions simply because they have gotten used to their life. Similarly, they won’t dread their lives unless they compare their conditions with people like you. Then again, how they are seen depends on you, how you react to them. We all look back and sigh, this is part of our lives. But some things are meant to be let go. Like that handicap above, he’s gotta accept his condition cos its more or less permanant for the time being. Once he learns to embrace it, he’ll step onto another level of improvisation where he’ll adapt and seek ways to improve his life. Then we’ll reach the top but that’s not all, an avalanche might come down and engulf everything you’ve done.

One day is not like any other day. I’m sick of everyday cos I’ve gotten used to everything, nothing’s happening. I’m a hypocrite cos I complain but I don’t want a life as well. I like to stay like that, unchanging but at the same time, constancy is so boring. I haven’t found what I want in life so death’s dragging me down. Its all these struggles that’s going on in your life. Eros versus Thanatos. I’m still searching, for the unknown. Its so vague and abstract. What form does it come in? A pastime, hobby, leisure or serious ones like work?

I do not know, it feels so bad to be lost again. I just found myself the last time I was victimised by the killer. Damn you, I wanna say that. But without you, I could not have gotten where I could be today. I’ll still be that whiny bitch. Again, its so ironic. Wonder if everyone had the same. Its so controversial. Now I can’t think, was it better before or after? Maybe we shouldn’t compare, what’s past should be left in the museum.

I need someone else to guide me. The north star.

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